Cinemark Cinemas
T-Shirt Hell
Punk Tacos HD Radio Station
The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


What the fuck is wrong with the Hollywood system?  Other than a Depends-wearin', post-menopausal Halloween, the scariest thing in theaters for actual Halloween was the homeless broad in the row in front of me giving a five-dollar gummer to what I can only assume was a dude cosplaying Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.  Worst. Live-action porn. Ever.

With horror fans screaming for some blood, gore and flopping titties, what does Hollywood do?  Waits until after Halloween to drop the Nazi zombies (or are they zombie Nazis?) splatter bomb, Overlord . . . and then forgets the titties!  That's like Easter eggs in August, Mardi Gras beads in November, or pegging on any day other than International Women's Day. 

Even though Overlord is chock full of WWII terrors - your plane getting shredded as you leap out behind enemy lines, SS scumbags raping hot French chicks, nigh indestructible monsters created by Hitler's favorite mad scientists - nothing can compare with the fright of the latest Grinch being released the same weekend as Overlord, barely a week into November.

It's the War on Thanksgiving, muthafuckas!  If Xmas "officially" starts on November 1st, Turkey Day's goose is cooked.  Cooked I tells ya!  First it had to hold back the PC Police with their whole "Native American genocide" thing.  Then it had to grapple with health nuts claiming that people gorging themselves on 10,000 calories of mostly fat and sugar in a single day was somehow bad for them.  If Thanksgiving has to fight off Santa Claus on top of all that, it's game over, man.  Game over!

Speaking of games, Overlord is basically a non-interactive video game.  A really slow one.  Call it Crawl of Duty.  It follows the standard video game structure.  Introduce some characters, each with a single defining trait.  Give them an objective - in this case destroying a Nazi radio tower so that Allied air support can make it through to provide cover for the D-Day landing.  Repeat that objective three dozen times so that even the super-stoned, ADD-addled or just plain stupid can't possibly forget it.  Throw in a boss battle or two, and top it off with an ending that leaves the door open at least a crack for a sequel.

If you decide to undertake Overlord and suffer from migraines or tinnitus, be warned.  This movie is howitzer loud.  Ear-bleeding, organ-bruising, your-mom-screaming-"Oh Cinemavenger!"-mid-orgasm loud.

November 9, 2018