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Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

How the fuck did this happen?  25 years ago, kids played "smear the queer" and dodgeball without anyone screaming that it was child abuse, people regularly dressed up in blackface on Halloween without anyone labeling them as "racist," and White director Quentin "Eight Head" Tarantino dropped the n-bomb dozens of times in Pulp Fiction, a movie that earned almost universal praise as an orgasmic example of the art form.

Today, you can't even make a Helen Keller joke without losing your job, your house, your family, and all the money in your bank account.  And apparently Tarantino has gone from brilliant auteur to the writer/director equivalent of a jam band.  His latest, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood is the drums-and-space of his flicks so far.  It's a collection of scenes Big T thought were cool stitched together with a storyline flimsier than your excuse for why there's lipstick on your dick when you were supposed to be at a bible meeting.

It's 1969 (heh, heh . . . 69), and Rick Dalton (Leonardo "Was A Ninja Turtle" DiCaprio) is a very nearly has-been actor.  His BFF and stunt double, Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt "Of Despair"), drives him around, pampers his ego, fixes his broken TV antenna and, probably, wipes his ass.  The two do incredibly exciting things like feed Cliff's dog, hang out on the sets of TV shows, and give rides to members of the Manson Family.

Yuppers, that Manson Family.  The very first preview set up that Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was going to include Sharon Tate's murder by Manson's followers, so no surprises there.  If you think it goes down anything like it did in real life, then you haven't seen a single Tarantino flick, at least during the past 10 years.

DiCaprio and Pitt are excellent as usual, and if you get a little warm in the crotchtal region at the thought of seeing famous present day actors transform into famous dead actors, then step right up.  Just be sure to insert a catheter in your pee hole first, because this bitch is two hours and forty minutes long.  And that's if you're lucky enough that the movie theater doesn't make you sit through 20 minutes of The Lion King first because they loaded the wrong goddam movie because the pimply-faced teenager in charge was busy getting his first projection booth blowjob.  Fucking AMC.

July 26, 2019

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