Cinemavenger

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Office Christmas Party

What's the 367th way you can tell that Hollywood truly, deeply and unabashedly doesn't give a fuck?  Movie studios don't even bother thinking up titles any more.  They just call their movies whatever they're about.  Jason Bourne.  Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.  Dirty Grandpa.

If classics like Jaws, Star Wars, The Godfather and Ghandi were made today, they'd be called Big Shark, Space Battle, Mafia and Indian Guy.

I mean, how in the name of Santa's big, hairy sack, Mrs. Claus' gingerbread pussy and Rudolph's wind-chapped reindeer dong do you call a movie about an office Christmas party that's either going to save or sink the company Office Christmas Party and not at least put a "the" in front of it?  Oh, right.  It's that whole not giving a fuck thing.

With a toss off title like Office Christmas Party is it any wonder that this movie is an ugly Xmas sweater of Xmas movie cliches that, and I'm not eflin' kidding, features an ugly Xmas sweater?

Corporate isn't just cancelling Xmas bonuses a la Christmas Vacation, it's shutting down the entire office and firing everyone . . . on Xmas!  That is, unless the plucky branch manager and his ragtag team of misfits can close the big deal that will save all their jobs.  The Scrooge in this case is the CEO, Carol Vanstone (Jennifer "867-5309" Aniston), and the Cratchit is branch manager Clay Vanstone (T.J. "Barney" Miller), Carol's ne'er-do-well brother.

Cue the Xmas sibling rivalry!  Carol and Clay fight like they're 12-year-olds.  They call each other names, pull each other's hair and bicker about who dear old dead dad loved more.  I'm surprised there isn't a scene of them pushing and shoving to be the first one upstairs and in bed on Xmas Eve like in A Christmas Story.

Clay dresses up as Santa for the party just like dad used to do back when he owned the company (and, you know, was alive).  The anally PC HR woman, Mary ("Kiss Me" Kate McKinnon), and the angry, anti-PC ass, Jeremy (Rob "Double D" Corddry), who hate one another end up falling for each other after sharing an Elaine from Seinfeld worthy dance.  Uptight supervisor Josh (Jason "Don't Take The" Bateman) and the cool hacker chick, Tracey (Olivia "Newton" Munn), get interrupted just as they're finally about to kiss.

And does a gosh, golly Xmas miracle save the day right when everything seems darkest?  You bet your jingle bells it does!

The directors (yeah, it took two Frosty the Douchebags to make this yellow snowball) try to balance out the sickly sweet shitimentality with pimps and hoes, orgies and blow, grievous bodily harm and Aniston telling a little kid to fuck off, but that works about as well as the Peanuts kids dance.

Office Christmas Party is a pair of socks and a $5 Arby's gift card when you really wanted a gold-plated Lambo.

December 10, 2016