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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Ocean's 8

The all-chick version of Ocean's 11, Ocean's 8, is better than the all-chick version of Ghostbusters.  So is shoving a Sriracha-slathered cactus up your ass.  So it's kind of a low bar.

What would Ol' Blue Eyes say about this remake of Clooney's remake of Sinatra's original Ocean's?  Probably something like, "What are all these skirts doing in my fuckin' movie?!  Wacky broads tryin' to pull a heist?  That bird won't sing, baby."   

By starting with Ocean's 8, Warner Bros. obviously plans a pussy-powered, three-pic series.  Which means some hack is probably already hard at work on Ocean's 5-7, which will star an all-gay cast.  Some other schmendrick is pounding away at a keyboard scribing Ocean's 2-4 with every character played by an actor of color who also has a disability.  Ocean's -1, 0 and 1 will feature nothing but epileptic Eskimos.

Debbie Ocean (Sandra "Harvey" Bullock), Clooney's Danny Ocean's sister, puts together a gyno squad to steal a $150M diamond necklace from the Met Gala.  Because no one wears a $150M diamond necklace to Lilith Fair.  Her bestie, Lou (Cate "The Great" Blanchett), provides the safe house for planning.  The two of them recruit a fashion designer (Helena "John" Bonham Carter), a jeweler (Mindy "And Mork" Kaling), a hacker ("Bahama Mama" Rihanna), a pickpocket ("It's Spelled 'Aquafina'" Awkwafina), a fence ("Her Name Is" Sarah Paulson) and a player to be named later who was already named in the previews.

All Debbie needs to do to get the larcenous ladies on board is show them her detailed, custom-built, perfectly-to-scale model of the entire Metropolitan Museum of Art along with a snazzy PowerPoint presentation.  Because all masterminds of mega-heists have those, right?  I mean, at least those of the blouse bombshell-bearing variety.

Because dudes may dream of busting Vegas, but snatches dream of snatching shiny diamonds from the Met Gala . . . in designer dresses, no less.  Look, Cinemavenger loves women.  LOVES 'em!  Literally as often as they'll let me.  That doesn't make Ocean's 8 any less the WNBA to its cock-and-balls-toting cinematic forefathers.

June 8, 2018