Cinemark Cinemas
T-Shirt Hell
Punk Tacos HD Radio Station
The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Monster Hunter

Not that I'm complaining, but the PC police must have been Ambien asleep at the wheel when Monster Hunter finally got its "major" release a few weeks back. There is so much about this flick that, by all rights, should've gotten their SJW panties in a wad, and yet I haven't seen a single petition, demand for boycott, or crying YouTube video about the cunt-punching injustice of it all.

Given the movie's name and the fact that its above-the-title star is Milla "Go Go" Jovovich, you'd think she's the monster hunter. Not so much. The real monster hunter is played by international superstar Tony "Hawk" Jaa, but he's forced into second fiddle (or sword) status because sexy, white women put more asses in seats than average-looking brown men.

On top of that, Jaa's character is only ever called "Hunter" because apparently he didn't deserve a proper name. And Jaa gets second billing not just to Jovovich but to Ron "The Curse of the Black" Perlman even though Jaa is one of the film's leads while Perlman is only in a handful of scenes. What kind of Song of the South bullshit is that?

Monster Hunter is based on a video game series, which gives Jovovich the distinction of appearing in one of the best video game movies, Resident Evil, and now one of the worst. I'm all for believing six impossible things before breakfast, but this movie expects you to believe a dozen before you even get out of fucking bed.

There is a parallel universe in which humans sail ships over sand dunes and have to deal with a different type of giant monster every five minutes. Sure, why not? 95-pound Jovovich is a tough as nails Army Ranger Captain. Really? When she and her squad get sucked into that parallel universe and have to confront their first monster, they barely blink. Because that kind of thing happens every day to your average Army Ranger, right?

It's adorable that Monster Hunter takes a few minutes to introduce Jovovich's squad when it's surer than shit that they'll all be dead by the 15-minute mark. And the only thing funnier than the dead Persian (cat not person) on Perlman's head is the fact that he obviously told the director to fuck off he wanted him to speak anything other than English . . . even though he plays a character from a non-English speaking, monster-filled, alternate reality.

March 12, 2021