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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Mission: Impossible - Fallout

You wanna know what's fucking impossible?  "A female with good looks who cooks and cleans," quoth Eminem.  A guy who does CrossFit not talking about CrossFit every time he opens his CrossFit hole.  A hammerhead shark giving a decent blowjob.

Stopping some Eurotrash terrorists from setting off a couple of homemade suitcase nukes?  That's so totally possible that I bet it happens every few months in real life.  So why does the government call in the Impossible Mission Force (IMF) to go after the nuclear-powered technarchists in Mission: Impossible - Fallout?  Because it's been three years since the last Mission: Impossible flick, and J.J. Abrams, Scientology and China (represented here by Alibaba Pictures) gots ta get paid, yo.

Mission: Impossible - Fallout is guaranteed to make more money than your mom did that summer she raked it in giving half-priced handies out back of the Walmart.  It's exactly the type of big budget blockbuster people have been Skinner Box conditioned to crave during the dog days of summer.  It's flashy, loud and dumbed-down enough that even a lobotomized chimp could keep up with a story that lurches from Belfast to Paris to London and beyond.

After numero uno IMF dick-swinger Ethan Hunt ("Peeping" Tom Cruise) loses a bunch of plutonium to the terrorists, he gets saddled with a CIA babysitter named August Walker ("John" Henry Cavill).  Because I guess Tarantino already called dibs on "Majestic Perambulator" as a character name for his Star Trek script.  After bickering like Addie and Maddie, Hunt and Walker HALO jump into a rave where they fight some dudes and run into Ilsa (Rebecca "Fergilicious" Ferguson) from the last M:I movie.

Then there's a motorcycle chase, some gunfights, double and quadruple crosses and a literally impossible escape.  Oh, and of course M:I's trademarked rubber masks.  If losing the plutonium in the first place doesn't make Hunt the worst super spy ever, the fact that Ilsa has to save his life on no fewer than three occasions is the warm, creamy gravy on top of the seven-layer shit biscuit that is his espionage career.

The rest of Mission: Impossible - Fallout is fudge-packed with at least 15 minutes of contractually-mandated scenes of Tom Cruise running.  And a knife-at-a-gunfight useless subplot about Hunt's ex, Julia ("Well, Well, Well, My" Michelle Monaghan). 

This is one Mission there's no possible way you should accept.

July 27, 2018