Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

Fuck you, Masterminds, you fucking fucks.  Because you pussies were so terrified about what critics were going to say about your (presumably) shit show of a comedy, you didn't hold any advanced screenings.  So instead of seeing a "grown up" movie, ol' Cinemavenger had to grit his teeth - which are down to nubs as it is - through another kiddie flick, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children.

Not that there's anything wrong with kiddie flicks.  They can be the bee's pajamas.  But more often than not they're half-formed, predictable IQ-eaters that make you wish you'd choke on your popcorn just to end the prepubescent pusillanimity.

Not only is Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children another average-kid-turns-out-to-be-super-special, outcasts-are-people-too, everyone's-ass-gas-smells-equally-sweet young adult yawn fest, it doesn't even get that rote rubbish right.  How do you so thoroughly fuck up a 20th generation carbon copy that might as well have been called X-Men: Brigadoon, Harry Potter and the Lamest Time Loop or The League of Barely Not Quite Ordinary Orphans?

Oh, right.  You let Tim "Timmy!" Burton direct it. 

There was a time when Burton could do no wrong.  Of course, there was also a time when smacking your wife around was considered both socially acceptable and effective.  Things fucking change.  Burton's early career is a playground of awesome, uniquely appointed flicks like Beetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands and Batman, but since the early 90s his resume is littered with more bombs than Dresden circa 1945.

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children ain't about to break Burton's losing streak.  It stars Tits Fantastic, I mean, Eva "Fantastic Tits" Green as Miss Peregrine, a younger, sexier take on the Dumbledore or Professor X mentor/protector character.

Peregrine and her grab bag of mutants - sorry, "peculiars" - including the nothing you haven't seen before flying girl ("Bella" Ella Purnell), really strong girl (Pixie "Stix" Davies), fire girl (Lauren "Amy Adams Clone" McCrostie) and invisible boy (Cameron King "Of No Screen Time"), exist in a time loop in which they live the same 24 hours over and over again Groundhog Day-style because they're hiding from, you guessed it, some bad guys who, you probably didn't guess, want to eat their eyes.

Because you gotta eat something, I suppose.

Chief bad guy, Barron, is played by Samuel L. "Capital One" Jackson.  He commands a bunch of monsters called hollowgasts that look like the offspring of a Jack Skellington-Slenderman-Cthuhlu's nephew three-way.

You know what's way scarier than a hollowgast?  Jackson in Miss Peregrine's.  You have to try pretty muthafuckin' hard to get a bad performance out of Mr. Bad Motherfucker himself, but Burton did it.

A lot of people are praising Burton for Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children because it isn't as bad as his recent disasters, Dark Shadows and Alice in Wonderland.  By that logic, let's hear it for Hitler for only killing six million Jews.  I mean, it could have been a lot worse, right?

October 1, 2016