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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

When you're so creatively fuckwitted that you can't think of a better title for your movie than a one line summary of it, go die.  Pack up your fancy Hollywood trailer, leave the set, drive home, crank the gas on the chef-quality oven you've used maybe twice, stick your fucking head in and breathe deeply. 

The same goes for anyone who abuses the label "Based on a true story."  Apollo 13 was based on a true story.  My Left Foot was based on a true story.  127 Hours was based on a true story.  But when the only things your movie has in common with the "true story" it was allegedly based on are that it has human beings, on Earth, doing things, fuck you and the screenwriter credit you gobbled cock for.

The fact that Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates is based on two real-life brothers who posted a Craigslist ad for dates to a Hawaii destination wedding sucks multidimensionally.  That two dudes were such Nicki Minaj's ass-sized losers that they couldn't find two women . . . in the entire fucking world . . . to accept a free trip to Hawaii and had to resort to a want ad is sadder than Schindler's List.  That Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates turned their desperation into a feature length "comedy" that bears as much resemblance to what really happened as Brad Pitt does to Jonah Hill shows just how worthless "based on a true story" really is.

Mike (Adam "Shrieking Mimi" Devine) and Dave (Zac "Valedictorian of the 'Nice Pecs' School Of Acting" Efron) are a couple of spoiled, presumably frat boy, White guys who ruin every family gathering.  So, their parents (Stephen "Swingline Stapler" Root (tragically underused) and Stephanie "TV's Own" Faracy) decree that they have to bring nice girl dates to their sister's wedding.  Because, for some reason not even Morpheus knows, that will supposedly keep the two man-child-imbeciles in line.

The ad Mike and Dave post goes viral and attracts the attention of Tatiana (Aubrey "Sauna On The Sun Hot" Plaza) and Alice (Anna "Schmendrick" Kendrick).  Far from nice girls, Tatiana and Alice are a couple of media-brainwashed, entitled slutbags who can't even hold down jobs at a Hooters-style sushi joint called Sake Bombers.  They pretend to be nice girls to score the free trip to the Aloha State.

For everyone thinking, "Whoa, Cinemavenger!  'Slutbags?!'  That's not cool, man." fuck you, you fucking fucks.  Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates proudly features a scene with Tatiana fingerblasting Mike's bi cousin . . . for Rihanna tickets. 

But what do you expect when the "moral" of this ugly bridesmaid dress of a movie, a moral director Jake "Enjoy Your 15 Minutes" Szymanski thinks is so profound that he actually has Tatiana and Alice say it out loud, is:  maybe we'd be happier if we weren't total assholes?

RSVP "No fucking way!" to this Wedding Crashers wannabe.

July 10, 2016