Cinemavenger

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Men in Black: International

Let's all take a moment to close our eyes, bow our heads, and send all our best vibes to Liam "What's A" Hemsworth.  While the rest of us have been taking it easy working 60-hour weeks, raising ungrateful kids, battling cancer and the like, poor Liam has shouldered the Atlas-like burden of living in the dark-side-of-the-moon dark shadow of his older brother, Chris.

Sure, Liam is a rich, famous, and handsome celebrity.  Plus, he gets to bang Miley "Freaky Deaky" Cyrus, and you know he's getting daisy chains, blumpkins, and just about any other forbidden pleasure he can dream up from that pansexual Perverella.

Still, Liam has to wake up every day knowing that he'll never be anything more than the second best Hemsworth.  Chris is better looking, more talented, richer and, as far as I know, taller than l'il Liam.  Chris is Thor.  Liam was Gale in The Hunger Games.  Fucking Gale?!  I mean seriously, the fact that Liam makes it through every ATM blowjob, cocaine and caviar week without guzzling Drano is a genuine Vatican-approved miracle.

Stay strong, Liam!  Chris' latest, Men in Black: International, could just make you mom and dad's favorite son . . . for a few hours.  MIB: I is the fourth in the series.  It's 22 years removed from the original, and only good, MIB that starred Will "Jada's Dick" Smith and Tommy Lee "Al Gore's College Roommate" Jones as agents of a secret organization that protects the Earth from alien threats.

MIB 2 was the typical more-is-less sequel.  MIB 3 traded Jones for Josh ".0" Brolin as a younger version of the same character and was easily the fartastically worst of the bunch.  Until now, that is.

Even with the Golden Hemsworth and Tessa "Makes Me Messa My Pants" Thompson - who made beautiful comedic music together in Thor: Ragnarok - leading the way, Men in Black: International hits the brainless/heartless/soulless trifecta.

This MIB is DOA.

June 14, 2019