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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Did you know they're working on a remake of Die Hard?  It's one thing to "reimagine" lower quality squibs-and-one-liners flicks like Total Recall and RoboCop, but why the fuck would those Hollywood fucks feel the fucking need to fuck about with one of the best fucking action movies ever fucking made?!

Fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck!!!

Not that it could be much worse than the last official Die Hard movie, but that's beside the point.

I'm calling it right now.  The Die Hard remake is going to suck more than a hooker during Fleet Week.  And if it's anything like the new take on Sleeping Beauty, Maleficent, it's going to turn Hans Gruber into the misunderstood hero who'll actually be working to stop the bearer bonds heist, who'll secretly save John McClane - now a closet racist and likely child molester - on numerous occasions and who will also somehow manage to deliver Xmas presents to the orphanage down the street from Nakatomi Plaza.

Because, apparently, bad guys (or gals) can't just be bad any more.  So, instead of the gloriously evil, scary-as-fuck, death-cursing uber-bitch from the original story (remember, the whole "sleeping" beauty thing was due to Maleficent's original killing conjuration being softened by another fairy), Maleficent gives us a fundamentally good Maleficent (Angelina Jolie) scorned then mutilated but who still ends up playing fairy godmother to princess Aurora (Elle Fanning).

And that's no "it's bigger than a baby's arm holding an apple" kind of exaggeration, either.  Though she initially curses infant Aurora out of completely justifiable revenge for Aurora's father, King Stefan (Sharlto Copley), having drugged her and cut her fucking wings off, Maleficent proceeds to watch over her, metaphorically breast feed her, literally save her life once or twice and even tuck her in at night.  

So now King Stefan is a douchebag, and Maleficent is an angelic eco-warrior (of course).  To pad things out we get multiple Hobbit-worthy -and that ain't a compliment - mudball fights among midget frog-trolls and a Lord of the Rings-lite battle scene between a human army and a horde of random CG tree creatures as generic as the blue and white beer cans in Repo Man.

Like the Wookie Defense, it makes no sense.

And unlike Angie's work up until 2004 or so (and, fine, because it's a putative children's movie - though one with more rape imagery than most parents probably want their little ones exposed to), Maleficent completely fails to cash in on Jolie's once nearly-mandatory nudity clause.

The funny thing is that the wild child, tits-a-flappin', bi-comfortable Jolie of those dangerous early years would have made for a one hell of a Maleficent - you know, in a movie where she was allowed to be wicked instead of forced to be Wicked.

November 16, 2014  New video release review rather than new theatrical release review because you're not the boss of me.