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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


As my sainted mother is fond of saying, "You can shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up first."  Sage advice indeed.  Still, I wish the rest of Logan was as wake-up-blowjob fantastic as the first three minutes . . . when they snuck in an unannounced Deadpool 2 teaser.

But no.  After a few light and laughy moments with Deadpool, Logan is two hours and 17 bladder-busting minutes of Professor X (Patrick "Jimmy" Stewart) crying and Logan/Wolverine (Hugh "Jumping" Jackman) slowly losing his powers as he faces down his own mortality Ingmar Bergman style.  For all the lead paint-lickers out there, that means Logan is one slow, sad, damn near suicidal slog of a flick.

It's 2029.  Pretty much every mutant is dead, and no new ones are being born.  Logan, who for some reason is now a limo driver and doesn't heal nearly as quickly or completely as he used to, is hiding out with the Professor in the Mexican desert.  The Professor, who's a nonagenarian (that means he's in his 90s - keep up), has lost control of his psychic powers, so he's one seizure away from killing everyone within a mile radius.

These are two cranky fucks.  Think Grumpy Old X-Men.

Because two-plus hours of watching Logan trying not to give the Professor an adamantium claw enema every time he has to wipe his senile ass would be too much even for the type of fanboy who will flock to Logan just to hear Professor X tell Wolverine to "fuck off," along comes mini-verine Laura (Dafne "Looks Like The Girl From Stranger Things But Isn't" Keen) who kicks almost as much ass as Logan but still needs to be saved.  Because she has a vagina, I guess?

From there, things go off the rails faster than Charlie Sheen with a suitcase full of coke and a $100K gift card to the Bunny Ranch.  Before it's over, Logan and Laura have gotten more than their money's worth out of Logan's R rating by decapitating, gouging and gutting dozens of bad guys.  Which is fun, if you're a fucking psycho.  Then again, you know what they say:  The family that slays together stays together.

I'm just glad Bill Paxton died from that dick reduction surgery before having to sit through Logan.  Game over, man.  Game over.

March 4, 2017