The Chive


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What's a motherfucker got to do to see some zero-g titties?

Hollywood has a Titan IV-sized boner for space movies.  Just during the past few years, audiences were annoyed by Gravity, bored by Interstellar and skeeved out by Passengers.  As of this week, you can add "embarrassed for Life" to that list.

Let's see.  That's Bullock, Hathaway, Lawrence and Ferguson.  Eight bodaciously beautiful boobs floating weightless through space, and every single one kept unforgivably hidden beneath jumpsuits, bras and t-shirts.  Who's making these movies?  Dead, gay eunuchs?!

A blatant Alien ripoff with a facefucker instead of facehuggers, Life has six of the most imbecilic astronauts ever dreamed up (Rebecca "Fergie" Ferguson, Ryan "Fuckboy" Reynolds, Jake "The Snake" Gyllenhaal, Hiroyuki "Hyundai" Sanada, Olga "Stoli" Dihovichnaya and Ariyon "My Wayward Son" Bakare) discovering, reviving and quickly getting murderized by a new life form from Mars.

The astrotards are on the International Space Station, and each one has a Central Casting role to play.  Ferguson is the CDC honcho whose only job is to make sure the alien stays contained.  Guess what?  She sucks at her job.  Reynolds is the smart-ass.  Big surprise there.  Gyllenhaal is the pilot haunted by the horrors of war.  Sanada is a brand new dad.  Dihovichnaya is the no-nonsense Russian Captain.  And Bakare is a physical, intellectual and emotional cripple.

In the first 10 minutes, Life throws around scientific jargon like "cilia," "flagella" and "cytoplasm" so that you'll think it's really smart.  Then it not only tosses out a Re-Animator reference but immediately has a character comment on how obscure that reference is so that you'll think that it's really hip, too.  That's Woody Allen level insecurity right there (though thankfully with considerably less daughter-Frenching).

And then things fall apart worse than the last Challenger launch.  The alien goes from a single cell to starfish size faster than hummingbirds fucking.  It escapes using a broken piece of lab equipment.  Look, even if you buy that the alien instinctively knows how to use tools, should it really be able to pilot a spaceship without ever having seen one before?  I think the NASA acronym for that is CTFU (come the fuck on).

The ass-tronauts keep venting all the oxygen from different parts of the station to try to kill Calvin (yup, the alien is called Calvin) even though they know it's from airless Mars and have watched it survive quite happily in the cold vacuum of space.  Then, the humans rush back into the deoxygenated areas seconds later and are able to breathe just fine.  CTFU, again.

While that's going on, one of them says something like, "It has to kill us to survive." even though Life hasn't offered up one shred of evidence to support that shitclamation.

Life's a bitch.  But hey, at least it kept me from having to suffer through the Power Rangers or CHIPS movies this week, and for that I have to say, "Thanks, bitch."

March 25, 2017