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Last Christmas

It's the middle of fucking November.  If you already have Xmas decorations up - lights, garland, hall-decking of any kind - you're a fucktard of the first order.  I don't care if you keep that shit up all year because your mom died on Xmas.  I don't care if you're Jesus him/her/itself.  You need to slow your Yule roll.

It's because of people like you that people like me have to review Xmas movies weeks before Thanksgiving.  You are the front line warriors in the War on Thanksgiving, and whatever god you believe in is gonna ass fuck you with a sandpaper dildo for your sins against turkey, football, and socially-sanctioned drunken messery.  If it were up to you, Thanksgiving would get squozen right out of existence, and Xmas season would officially start on November 1.  Well fuck that, and fuck you!

Hollywood's first grab of the year at the brass ring of holiday residual dollars is Last Christmas, and it's what you get when you base your movie on a D-grade Xmas tune by George "Buggerer" Michael and let F-grade director Paul "Please Just Fucking Stop Already" Feig take the helm.  Which is to say, Last Christmas shares the exact same consistency and appeal as a post-holiday bender, eggnog and ham shit.

Kate is a total mess.  She's basically homeless because even though she professionally couch surfs she's a worse house guest than Legionnaires' disease.  She gets blackout drunk most every night, hates her family, and works as an elf in an Xmas shop.  Not just at Xmas; it's her full time gig and has been for years.  But she looks like Emilia "Dick" Clarke so nobody seems to care what an absolute horror show she is.

After a here's-bird-shit-in-your-eye meet-cute, Kate embarks on a typical rom-com relationship with dream guy Tom (Henry "Fool's" Golding).  That means they bicker then start falling for each other, and Kate slowly becomes a better person, even though you'd need an electron microscope to measure her improvement.

Last Christmas tries to set itself apart from typical rom-coms with a big twist.  The castor oil in your cocoa "twist" is so obvious - and in such a painfully literal way - that rather than add anything to the story it makes everything that came before even more nonsensical than it already was, which was fucking loads.

November 15, 2019