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Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Lady Bird


Lady Bird would be the perfect title for a biopic about the first woman ever to play for the Philadelphia Eagles.  Speaking of which . . .


GO SUPER BOWL CHAMPION BIRDS!!!

FLY EAGLES FLY, ON THE ROAD TO VICTORY!!!

E-A-G-L-E-S . . . EAGLES!!!

THAT'S WHAT I'M FUCKIN' TALKIN' ABOUT!!! 


But no, Lady Bird is a random, independent film elevated to Oscar bait status because it was written and directed by someone lacking a Y chromosome, Greta "Like An Earwig But In Your Ger" Gerwig.  It's a coming of age story that's one abortion or drug problem away from being an after school special.


Lady Bird is the name that lower middle class/upper lower class Christine McPherson (Saoirse "Rhymes With Search Ya" Ronan) gives herself because she's artistic.  Or is it autistic?  Tough call.  Tough call. 


Lady Bird's mother, Marion (Laurie "Was Once Introduced To A Baby Cow" Metcalf), is overbearing, so her relationship with her daughter is strained.  Aside from Lady Bird falling for a stereotypical closeted gay drama club dude and then for a stereotypical bad boy rich dude, that's about as much characterization as either role gets.


And then, on fourth and goal from the one yard line, the Eagles reach deep into their bag of trick plays and run the Philly Special.  Nick Foles sneaks out to the right, and Corey Clement takes the direct snap.  Clement laterals to Trey Burton who floats the ball perfectly into a wide open Nick Foles' hands for a touchdown that was a game-clinching punch to the throat of the hated Patriots.


How about them Eagles, yo?!


February 9, 2018