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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Kong: Skull Island

Where in the name of Dr. Zaius is Kong's dong?

In the 1933 Fay Wray and Bruce Cabot original, Kong was 25 feet tall.  In the 1976 Jessica Lange and Jeff Bridges disco remake, he grew to 50 feet.  In the 2005 Naomi Watts and Adrian Brody retro do-over, he shot up to 75.  In all those flicks, Kong looked at home dry-humping tall buildings.  In Kong: Skull Island, the hairy mofo is as big as a building himself.  He's 100s of feet tall with what must be Cadillac Escalade-sized balls and a cock like a train car, and yet the big guy's junk never makes an appearance on screen.  What the damn, dirty fuck?!  If you don't use 3D to slap bitches in the face with Kong's love muscle, why bother making another fucking King Kong movie in the first place?

This time around it's 1973, and a newly-launched satellite has spied the previously undiscovered Skull Island.  According to the guy who wants to check out the island in person, Bill Randa ("Little" John Goodman), it's always been called "Skull Island."  By whom, exactly, if it was just discovered?  And why?  It only looks like a skull when viewed from a satellite in outer-fucking-space.  Hacks!

Randa pulls together a gaggle of scientists, civilians and army guys - each one more stupid than the last - for an expedition to the island.  The token chick and future beauty to Kong's beast is now a photojournalist, Mason Weaver, played by "Baked" Brie Larson (taking up the mantle from the likes of Halle Barry and Natalie Portman as the latest victim of the Oscar Curse).  Her putative love interest, not that a single spark flies between his chiseled chin and her surprisingly ample tits, is jungle expert James Conrad (Tom "Malcolm In The" Hiddleston).  The commanding officer of the army dudes - who were, no joke, one day away from heading home from Vietnam before they got roped into this barrel of monkey shit - is none other than Samuel L. "Motherfuckin'" Jackson.

They haven't even landed on the island yet when Kong starts kicking their asses sideways.  But, in the noble savage tradition of all Kong movies, he's actually the good guy, just a victim of a giant misunderstanding.  Everything on the island is giant, by the by - giant yaks, giant spiders, giant stretches of boredom when nothing fucking happens.  The real bad guys are giant lizard things Randa dubs Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms.  That's right, MUTOs.  Like from the last Godzilla.  Because you can't just make one good movie anymore.  You have to make a bunch of stankass bad, interconnected movies instead.

Kong: Skull Island checks all the boxes.  Kong fights the bad men.  He fights the bad lizards.  He holds the beautiful damsel in the palm of his enormous hand.  And, most important to the Hollywood money men, he sets up 2020's Godzilla vs Kong.  Oh, the beastmanity.

March 11, 2017