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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Ol' Cinemavenger doesn't give a flying, flaming fuck what the makers of Kingsman: The Golden Circle say, the role of Whiskey wasn't played by Pedro "Oberyn" Pascal.  The motherfucker on screen was none other than the one, the only, the awesomest possum, Nathan "Should I Fill E In?" Fillion!

Why would anyone perpetrate such a pernicious hoax?  Why would Pascal and Fillion buy into it?  What could they possibly have to gain?  I'm betting it has something to do with bitcoin, an outrageous-stakes bet and possibly North Korea.

"That's crazy talk," you say?  Look, it ain't like Cinemavenger is some sort of conspiracy theory nut.  He doesn't believe the FBI offed Kennedy or that Bush brought down the Twin Towers or that man never landed on the Moon.  Or does he?  You don't know.  You're not inside his head.  Or are you?  I did run out of tin foil the other day.  And if I'm always talking about Cinemavenger in the third person, then am I Cinemavenger or someone else?  Whoa.

As for the movie, if you liked the first Kingsman then you'll eat the new one up like some chocolate-and-whipped-cream-covered pussy because Kingsman: The Golden Circle is so much more of the same I wouldn't have been surprised if the supervillain played by Julianne "Roger" Moore ripped off her Julianne Moore mask at the end and turned out to be Sam Jackson from the first flick. 

For the record, if you thought Kingsman: The Secret Service was watered down Bond-lite, you probably aren't planning to see the new one anyway.  For that matter, you're almost certainly not reading this review.  So fuck you.

Millennial secret agent Eggsy (Taron "It Up" Egerton) is back along with his cue ball Q, Merlin (Mark "It Zero Dude" Strong).  And even though he was 100%, no doubt, shot-in-the-face dead at the end of the last one, Eggsy's mentor, Galahad (Colin "Back And" Firth), is back, too.  Because fuck dramatic stakes.

The stiff upper Brits team up with their good ol' boy American counterparts, the Statesman, who apparently also failed "plural" in English class, to take down Moore's international drug kingpin, Polly.  Despite Polly having a jungle mountain lair that looks like Happy Days' main street and requiring all her thugs to get 24K gold circle tattoos, the most memorable thing about her is her first gen Battlestar Cylon-eyed robot dogs.

But fuck all that.  Sure as all the shiny in the 'verse, Fillion not Pascal played Whiskey.  And that's the only thing that matters about Kingsman: The Golden Circle.

September 22, 2017