The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

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Fuck "In God We Trust."  America's real national motto is "Bigger is better."  Too much is never enough, so the U.S. of Fuckin' A. has become the land of Costco and Super Target, Hummers for grocery runs, KFC Double Downs, 150-ounce sodas, 1000 channel cable TV, steroidal MLB man mountains and fat fuckery as a proud lifestyle choice.

Because why try for better when bigger is so much easier?  Plus, bigger looks way fucking cooler!  And if you don't think so you must be some kind of tree-huggin' rug-muncher or pole-smokin' egghead.  Love it or leave it!  'Murica!!!

When it comes to comedy, though, turning five-minute sketches into full-length films works about as well as a cotton candy battering ram.  Just ask Saturday Night Live.  Since 1980, SNL has brought 11 small screen sketches to the multiplex.  One of them, The Blues Brothers, was awesome.  A second, Wayne's World, was a pube or two above average.  The other nine blew harder than Dizzy Gillespie.

Some things are simply better in small doses.  You wouldn't want more herpes or a longer head cold.  And no one in their right mind wants 90 fucking minutes of an idea that was barely funny for three.

Keegan-Michael "Francis Scott" Key and Jordan "Banana" Peele didn't get that memo.  Their sketch comedy show, Key & Peele, ended in 2015 after a five-year run.  The two parlayed K&P's popularity into Keanu, a would-have-been hilarious sketch stretched into the most expensive and lamest-ass movie-length cat video ever made.

Rell (Peele) and Clarence (Key) are cousins from the suburbs.  They're as gangsta as Taylor Swift at a polo match in the Hamptons, but when Rell's recently adopted kitten, Keanu, is stolen by the Blips (a gang made up of rejects from the Bloods and the Crips) Rell and Clarence pretend to be hardcore killaz to get the cat back.

According to Keanu, the only thing you have to do to pass for a big time banger is talk "tough" - which apparently means using a deep, loud voice while saying things like "wordness to the turdness" and, of course, dropping an N-bomb every fourth or fifth word.  It works for Rell and Clarence.  Even though they're driving a minivan and look like they stepped out of a Nordstrom catalog, the Blips' HNIC, Cheddar ("Withdrawal" Method Man), makes a deal with them that if they sling some drugs for him he'll give them the cat as a token of respect.

One sad cameo and a bunch of "Haha!" violence later . . . well, if you can't guess what happens then you're as fucktarded as every character in this wannabe Pineapple Express piece of shit.

Keanu is the stuff of litter box nightmares.

May 1, 2016