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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

The Jurassholes have created a Fuckedasaurus Wreck.  Its scientific name is Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, and it takes the crown from Jurassic Park III to become the new Shit King of the Crichton-inspired franchise.  And Jurassic Park III had a goram talking velociraptor dream sequence!

After 1993's Jurassic Park, 1997's The Lost World: Jurassic Park, 2001's Jurassic Park III and 2015's Jurassic World, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom may be the extinction level event that finally kills of this series of increasingly diminishing returns.  And it's about fucking time, too.

Fallen Kingdom finds Bryce Dallas "Cowgirls" Howard's improbably shod, former Jurassic World honcho, Claire, leading the charge to save the dinos she abandoned after the disasters of the last movie.  The island the various 'saurs are still on is about to be destroyed by a heretofore unmentioned volcano.  Funded by the (deep breath) surely-not-evil right-hand man to the former partner of the original Jurassic Park's founder, Claire ropes her off-again, off-again boy toy, Owen (Chris "T" Pratt), into helping her keep the formerly extinct dinosaurs from getting re-extincted.

The only thing Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom succeeds at is proving the Clarke-ian theory that time is a tunnel closed at both ends.  (Childhood's End?  Anyone?  Read a book once in a while, you lazy fuckers.)  There is literally not a single new idea in this cuntastrophic collection of cliches.

If a hanging extension ladder can unexpectedly drop at exactly the wrong moment - putting someone at chomp level with a Thunder Lizard - it does.  A truck makes an impossible Speed jump to safety.  A huge freighter transports monsters from a scary island a la King Kong.  If you see a pillow in the foreground, you can bet your assticles that someone's getting smothered.  The Great White Hunter is, big surprise, a total dick.

When it's not being irretrievably derivative, Fallen Kingdom is as sharp as cotton candy.  The newly-created T-Rex/velociraptor hybrid is described as having "tactical responses more acute than any human soldier."  What the nonsensical fuck?!  And there's a gigantic reveal that could change the course of human history . . . that the characters shrug off faster than a nympho's nightie.  What the actual fuck?!

June 22, 2018