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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

It Follows

The scariest thing about It Follows is that so many mommy's-basement-dwelling film geeks and ass-brained critics have dubbed it "the scariest movie in years" that the label is sticking.  I'm not sure if all these praise-monkeys are syphilitically impaired or, I don't know, have just been kicked in the head too may times by mules, but I've had whiskey shits scarier than this Blair Witch wannabe.

Writer/director David Robert "It's My Second Feature, Be Gentle!" Mitchell clearly wants to duplicate Blair Witch's formula of Micro Budget + Unknown Actors - Anything Really Happening = $$$$$.  He's a pre-sellout looking to cash in before actually doing any real work.

I hate this fucking country.

The "It" in It Follows is ghost herpes.  It's an unexplained, shapeshifting evil entity passed along from one person to the next via the bumping of uglies.  It starts the movie following Hugh (Jake "Who?" Weary), who quickly splooges it onto nice girl Jay (Maika "Um, who?" Monroe).  Jay spends the rest of the movie first trying to convince her sister and friends that she does, in fact, have invisible ghost herpes then attempting to either fuck it on down the line or Valtrex it into oblivion.

Fucking ghost herpes?!  My kingdom for a hockey mask and a machete!

"It" can only walk . . . really . . . really . . . slowly . . . toward its next victim, so Jay could've screwed a Japanese businessman in town just for the weekend with relatively little guilt, or, I don't know, hopped a plane to Australia and been done with it.  But I guess that would've made for a pretty short  - and entirely too logical - flick. 

It Follows is a 100-minute metaphor for the inevitability of death that has so little faith in its audience picking up on its one and only message that it spells it out in fifty-foot, day-glo letters in its final two scenes.  It's less a horror movie than a metaphysical musing set to Carpenter-esque 1980s atonal synth pounding.  The only even remotely interesting questions it raises are of the plothole variety.

Given that all the sex in the movie is of the dick-to-vag variety, does anal count?  What about handjobs, footjobs and titty-fucking?

If a guy carrying "It" gets a blowjob, does "It" only stalk the face and/or stomach of the cocksucker?

If I fuck "It" over to you, and then we have sex again later, do I get "It" back?

Do yourself a favor.  Grab a Trojan Ectoplasmic Magnum and get it on with anything but It Follows.

March 29, 2015