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Isle of Dogs

Sit . . . your ass down!  Who's a good reader?  Who's a GOOD READER?!  You are!  Yes, you are!  Aren't you?  Oh, yes you are!  Good reader!

Stay . . . the fuck calm.  I don't care if you're the biggest Wes "Bitch" Anderson fan out there or if you think his twee-of-life art house flicks are clear violations of the Geneva Convention.  You may worship the bittersweet idiots that populate Rushmore, Moonrise Kingdom and The Grand Budapest Hotel, or the mere mention of those quirkier-than-thou titles may make you want to scoop out your eyes with a splooge-covered spork.  It doesn't matter a lick what ol' Cinemavenger has to say about Isle of Dogs; fans are going to lap it up, and haters are going to shit all over its freshly washed kitchen floor.

Shake . . . it off.  Anderson's latest is his second bite at the stop-action animation apple, which means it simultaneously looks jitterily perfect and like it was put together by a team of short bus window-lickers.  It's about a boy and his dog.  Well, really, it's about a bunch of dogs voiced by famous actors, which makes it more a game of, "Which star was that?" than an actual movie.  And yes, all the dogs stare blankly at the camera just like Anderson's human actors always do.  Wessie is nothing if not barkingly predictable.

Roll over . . . if you're a dog lover, because Isle of Dogs is Hallmark-meets-that-weepy-Sarah-McLachlan-commercial, furry, four-legged, wet-nosed, tail-wagging K-9 porn.  The cat-loving mayor of future Japanese city Megasaki has banished all dogs to Trash Island.  The mayor's ward (I thought only Batman and New Orleans had those) steals a plane and flies to the island to find his banished doggo.  A pack of unwound hounds decides to help the kid rather than eat him.

Play dead . . . if you're looking for anything in the same fucking time zone as logic.  The Japanese characters speak Japanese, but 90% of the time it's without English subtitles.  The dogs speak English (well, American).  The story is one-part Lassie to three-parts Anderson, which is about as much fun as being smacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper wrapped around a lead pipe.

Fetch . . . me my dog-whompin' guitar!  Snoop Dogg doesn't even get a cameo.

April 6, 2018