Independence Day: Resurgence
If you got struck by lightning and had also been bitten by a shark, would your odds of winning the lottery go up or down? That's the kind of random ass question you'll have time to ponder while you're being bored nearly to literal death by the belated bullshitathon that is Independence Day: Resurgence.
20 years, Roland "Kaiser Poophelm" Emmerich. 20 FUCKING YEARS! That's how long you took to make a sequel to your disaster porn epic Independence Day. I guess you spent the last two decades waking up every morning and whining, "Jeez! I'll do it tomorrow!" like some pimply-faced teen putting off cleaning his jizz-filled sock jammed bedroom. Because fuck 20 years. ID4 2 looks like it got written in about 20 minutes and filmed in maybe 20 days.
You know you're in for a cinematic cornholing when, within the first five minutes, Independence Day: Resurgence feels the need to flash a title card on screen explaining that you're looking at "Earth's Moon" instead of just "The Moon" or, hey, leaving the graphic off altogether and giving the audience the mosquito dick tiniest bit of credit for recognizing that bright, shiny thing we've all seen floating in the sky pretty much every night of our fucking lives.
It's been 20 years since "The War of '96." The world is united. Nations no longer fight amongst themselves. Humans have used the alien technology we captured to build better weapons and, presumably, some seriously insane sex toys.
Then, even though they must use a totally different system for measuring time, the aliens show back up on July 4, 2016, the 20th anniversary of the first attack. This time, their flying saucer is 3,000 miles wide. That's the size of the Atlantic Ocean. Cue the "Yo mothership's so fat . . ." jokes.
Even though Independence Day made Will Smith's career, Emmerich couldn't get him to come back for ID4 2. So he killed off Smith's pilot character and cast a no name nobody, Jesse T. "Not That" Usher, as his pilot son.
With 20 years and $200M to make it with, the five (five?!) screenwriters still couldn't figure out how to fill two hours. So ID4 2 wastes 15 or so sack-smacking minutes on the combo of Judd "Taxi" Hirsch - doing his tired, old Jewish guy shtick while, I shit you not, driving a school bus full of kids to ground zero of the attack - and a group of Eurotrash treasure hunters in the middle of the ocean monitoring the aliens' attempt (again, you not I shit) to suck out the Earth's core.
Other than that, you can look forward to: Data's (Brent "Processing" Spiner) pasty, white ass seen through improbably sheer tighty whities; an alien queen that looks exactly like the alien queen from Aliens; and a bunch of "funny" one-liners that fall flatter than Keira Knightley in 2D.
Emmerich and company couldn't even get Independence Day: Resurgence released on Independence Day weekend. Worthless twats.
June 26, 2016