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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Hot Tub Time Machine

What do your mom's weight in pounds, the South Sea Bubble, and this review all have in common? They're all 300! That's right, lucky reader, you're about to be treated to the multi-orgasmic movie musings that are . . .


Anyone who thinks that the Trump presidency is as bad as it can get hasn't been paying attention. The list of recent American Presidents proves that the ass sitting in the Oval Office just keeps getting bigger and redder. Before the Angry Orange, there was an affirmative action hire, a born again warmonger, a fuckboi, a clueless oil royal, and an Alzheimer's-addled actor.

That takes us back to the Reagan Era, just like Hot Tub Time Machine. This is a movie with a title so reality TV stupid it should never have been pitched, let alone made, let alone released. Yet, like Adrian Brody and his nose, somehow this time travel comedy overcomes it and manages, despite all logic, not to be fucktrocious.

They should have done a deal with Namco and called it Midlife Time Crisis because the three pals who go back in time are all miserable pricks, and they can't stop fucking crying about it. What's that? Your life didn't turn out the way you wanted? You mean, like everybody else's, you cunts?! To quote the great Denis Leary, "Life sucks. Get a fucking helmet!"

Adam (John "I Keep My Pool Cue In A" Cusack) is sad he's a handsome, successful, upper middle class white guy. Nick (Craig "Son of Robin" Robinson) thinks he should have been famous, all evidence to the contrary. Lou (Rob "Not Koechner" Corddry), another white guy with a big house and vintage sports car, has his middle age panties in such a bunch that his maybe/maybe not suicide attempt is what kicks off the action. 

The three grown infants and Adam's slacker nephew, Jacob (Clark "Griswold" Duke), take a weekend getaway to a run-down ski resort, jump in a hot tub, and wind up back in the 1980s. A few leg warmers, AIDS, and Jheri curl jokes later, the movie trots out 80s icons Chevy "Camaro" Chase, Crispin "Like A" Glover, and Cobra Kai's own William "Abba" Zabka. You know, in place of a story that makes even the tiniest bit of sense.

If Cinemavenger getting to 300 reviews and Hot Tub Time Machine actually being good don't convince you that this is one lawless-ass universe, you're a total fucking choad.

July 31, 2020