Cinemavenger

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Holmes & Watson

Like a waitress with the flu, Holmes & Watson shouldn't work, but it does anyway.  Except when it doesn't, which is for most of its Xmas miracle-short runtime.  That it works at all is kind of amazing given that Sony/Columbia had so little faith in it they tried to sell it to Netflix, and Netflix passed.  Netflix passed?!  Those motherfuckers'll buy anything!  My uncle just sold them the rights to his colonoscopy video.

While there is admittedly no one better suited to play Ben Roethlisberger in a movie, I've never really understood Will "Perry" Ferrell's appeal.  He jingles all the right bells as Buddy in Elf, but the rest of his roles are as memorable as . . . that one thing.  You know, that thing that happened that one time.

It's been a couple of months since the last Sherlock Holmes movie, TV show, YouTube series, and/or podcast, so Hollywood had Ferrell and the Costello to his Abbott, John C. (Charles Nelson) Reilly, poop out a comedy version in their spare time.  Of course Ferrell plays Holmes, and of course he plays him with the same borderline retarded, man-child shtick he uses for every role.  That leaves Reilly to play Watson with his typical, slightly less borderline retarded, man-child shtick.

When they're not chasing Holmes' nemesis, Moriarty (Ralph "Mouth" Fiennes), Holmes and Watson drunk telegram (think of it like a Victorian Era drunk text) their love interests (played by Rebecca "Monty" Hall and Lauren "'Em In" Lapkus), complete with telegrammed dick pics, and they take the first ever selfie with the Queen.  They also work in a couple of Trump jokes.  A kid says, just as you or I would say, "No shit, Sherlock," to the man himself.  And Holmes proclaims, "The game is a-starting!"

In case you couldn't clearly see the steam running out of Holmes & Watson, it happily flashes its ass at the three-quarter mark when it busts out a musical number on par with the very best your middle school niece could dream up. 

It may be some soggy fish 'n' chips, but people are fucking idiots, so Holmes & Watson will probably become a cult classic.  Bloody tampons!

December 28, 2018