Cinemark Cinemas
T-Shirt Hell
Punk Tacos HD Radio Station
The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Hellboy (2019)

An elderly man out for a walk goes ass over teakettle and injures himself.  Some teens help him up and put a bandage on him.  AND THEN THEY'RE CELEBRATED AS "HOMETOWN HEROES" FOR IT.  No shit neither.  The teens are getting showered with free cupcakes, massages and haircuts like they cured AIDS or brought peace to the Middle East.

Because basic humanity - helping someone who's hurt, caring about your community, not being a total shit stain 24/7 - is in shorter supply than butt plugs at a baptism.  This fucking world.  At least that wasn't the most four-week-old-banana bad thing I saw this week.  That honor goes to the hellish Hellboy reboot.

Hellboy is a half-human, half-demon antihero from comic books.  Guillermo del "Taco" Toro made two Hellboy movies back in the Aughts, 2004's Hellboy and 2008's Hellboy II: The Golden Army.  Those movies starred Ron "Beast" Perlman and featured del Toro's signature directing flourishes.  Were they great movies?  Fuck no.  Did they make you want to choke yourself on your own intestines?  Not half as much as the new Hellboy does.

Cashing in most of his Stranger Things cred, David "Shallow" Harbour takes over for Perlman, which is like Danny DeVito taking over for LeBron James.

Hellboy's script sucks.  The story is somehow both completely unoriginal and impossible to follow.  The special effects are anything but.  The direction from Neil "Bad Penny" Marshall fails in every conceivable way.  The acting is sub-community theatre level.  The movie somehow even makes Milla "Go Go" Jovovich and her sexy sideboob boring.

Other than that, how was the crucifixion, Jesus?

April 12, 2010