The Chive


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Hardcore Henry

How can a movie called Hardcore Henry not be a biopic about former Black Flag frontman and punk rock legend Henry Rollins?  I guess we'll just have to rise above.  Maybe grab a six pack and have a TV party so we won't be thirsty and miserable and fall into depression.

Rollins is a human bullshit detector.  When something even whiffs of the shit of the bull, he calls it out like a musclebound PA system.  If he heard about the recent Sarah Palin-Azealia Banks tit-puffery - you know, when Banks was too dumb to realize an Onion-style joke article quoting Palin saying "Negroes loved being slaves." wasn't real, took it seriously, told the world via Twitter that Palin should be gang-raped by a bunch of Black guys, then Palin blasted back and is now planning to sue Banks - Rollins would surely dub them both the crazy cunts they so obviously are.

Or, in the case of Hardcore Henry, the real hardcore Henry would be the first to tell you that it isn't a movie at all.  It's 90 minutes of watching some other motherfucker play the most expensive first person shooter (FPS) video game ever created.

In FPS games, the player sees everything through the eyes of the main character, and that character is almost always mute.  This is supposed to make the pimply-faced, parents'-basement-dwelling, Hot Pockets addict holding the controller feel like he's the finely-tuned super soldier outrunning fireballs and killing hordes of henchmen when, in reality, he gets winded climbing the stairs to grab another Mountain Dew from the fridge.

Hardcore Henry can scream and shout that it's a movie all it wants, but it follows the video game template like a junkie Russian sex slave follows her pimp's orders.  Henry (played by various assholes with GoPros strapped to their faces), a cyborg with a case of amnesia (natch), wakes up in a lab with a smokin' hot doctor, Estelle (Haley "Has She" Bennett), attaching his bionic limbs and getting him up to speed on who he is.  The hottie doc is also, of fucking course, Henry's wife.  Before she can finish, she's kidnapped by the big baddie, an albino psycho with telekinetic powers (again, natch), Akan (Danila "Wafers" Kozlovsky).

Just like Mario, you - I mean Henry - spend the rest of the movie trying to find and save your princess.  Now that's a lame-ass-a meatball!

A guy named Jimmy (Sharlto "You'll Never Take Me Alive" Copley) pops up every few minutes to give you some help or important information about your next mission then promptly dies.  One time he's a homeless guy.  The next he's a hippie.  The next he's a camouflaged sniper.  How is this possible?  Because Hardcore Henry isn't a fucking movie; it's a fucking video game you can't actually play!

Game over, man.  Game over.

April 10, 2016

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