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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Halloween (2018)

If Hollywood has taught us anything - and it hasn't - it's that you can always start over.  Get caught banging your husband's brother?  A quick name change, a cross country move, and you're shiny.  Lost your life's savings to a con artist?  Send the wife and kids to your in-laws while you go on a viciously bloody revenge bender.  Make eight increasingly fucktrocious sequels to, and reboots of, a genre classic?  Just pretend they never existed and film a new rebootquel that's a direct follow-up to the beloved original.

That's Halloween in a candy corn shell.  It takes place 40 years after the original and completely disregards every other Halloween movie since.  On the 40th anniversary of the first murders, a couple of podcasters - because 2019 - show up in Haddonfield, Illinois to interview the still-incarcerated killer, Michael Myers, and the girl who got away, Laurie Strode (Jamie "General" Lee Curtis). 

Of course Michael quickly escapes custody, and one of his first orders of business is to kill the podcasters.  Then, while the police and Michael's psychiatrist search for him with all the skill and strategy of four-year-olds on an Easter egg hunt, Michael proceeds to murder half of Haddonfield with hammers, his fists and, eventually, his signature kitchen knife.

You can practically smell the orgasm when Laurie finds out that Michael is back.  You see, Laurie's gone all Sarah Connor in T2 and spent the past 40 years hoping and praying that Michael would show his Shatner-masked face again so that she can kill him deader than disco. 

Apparently, Laurie needed another 40 years of prep time because her "plan" looks like she spent about 40 hours on it.  She almost dies within minutes of Michael finding her.  She has a hidden safe room that neither she nor her daughter nor granddaughter can figure out how to stay the fuck hidden in.

Laurie stalks Michael around her darkened house, flashlight in hand, instead of, you know, turning on a single fucking light.  Her weapon of choice is a rifle which, given that she has shotguns, handguns and who knows what else, is the worst choice of killing implement she could make.  I'm honestly surprised she manages not to kill herself before Michael gets a chance.

Halloween is way more trick than treat.

January 25, 2019 - New video release review because *theme music from Halloween*