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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Green Book

So, you think you're a big, bad racist, huh?  You sit around listening to podcasts from the "real media" about how minorities are fucking this country up even more than they want to fuck all the White women.  You post - anonymously, of course - all sorts of vile, hateful shit online so that other fuckholes like you can nod along.  Maybe you've found yourself a group to join, like the Klan, Trump's cabinet, or White Guys with Tiny Cocks, Even Smaller Brains and Way Too Much Fucking Time On Their Hands?

Well let me tell you something, David Dick, you'll seem about as racist as Rosa Parks when I stand you up next to any number of African immigrants living in any big city on the East Coast.  You may be White, and they may be Black, but they hate American Blacks - a/k/a African Americans - in a way that your lazy, lily White ass could only dream of!

Sit back in your Old Glory-upholstered armchair for a second and let that sink in.  There are African Blacks out there who hate Black folk way the fuck more than you ever could.  Doesn't that just blow your sorry excuse for a mind?  Want some more?  You say you hate Black people, but how could you hate a Black person who hates other Black people even more than you do?

Whether you think racism is all but exterminated or you believe that it's still one of the deadliest threats facing humanity, you need to get your whatever-color-ass to the theater to see Green Book.  Team "What Racism?" could use the reminder that it was only 50 years ago that The Negro Motorist Green Book existed to help African Americans find safe places to sleep and eat when they were traveling around the Land of the Free.  Team "Racism Everywhere!" will be reminded of how much better things are today than they were just a few decades ago, and thus there's a lot to celebrate even as much more remains to be done.

Green Book is based on the true story of how Tony Vallelonga (Viggo "Exene's Ex" Mortensen), a quasi-mobbed up, Italian oaf and bouncer from New York, ended up as the chauffeur/bodyguard for Dr. Don Shirley (Mahershala "Muhammad" Ali), a highly educated, brilliant and gifted, African American musician, during a two-month concert tour of the deep South in 1962.

Implausible?  Fuck yeah, especially to hear ebony and ivory's survivors tell it, but a surprisingly not shitty movie nonetheless.

February 1, 2019