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Godzilla vs. Kong


Will future historians look back at Godzilla vs. Kong as an allegory of racial equality in the time of BLM? Crazier things have happened. I mean, not much crazier, but still.


The previous two Godzilla movies already set up the oversized, irradiated iguana as the head monster in charge, the monster cop, if you will. The HMIC beats the fuck out of Kong in this movie basically because Kong is in the wrong neighborhood. Then, in order to overcome an even bigger threat (perhaps representing societal collapse brought about by rampant racism?), the cop and the "criminal" have to learn to work together. Can't all monsters just get along!


For audiences today, though, Godzilla vs. Kong is just another Ali vs. Frazier, Silva vs. Sonnen, less filling vs. tastes great. With the Covid Blues still in full force and effect, who wouldn't want to unplug from a year-plus of death, disease, and depression for a couple of hours to watch a giant ape slug it out with a giant lizard? The answer is, apparently, no one given how much money this thing has already made in theaters and on HBO Max.


People sure aren't plunking down their cashish because Godzilla vs. Kong is some kind of cinematic masterpiece. It's actually boring as fuck for long stretches. It spends more time Uber-ing Kong from Skull Island to Antarctica to Asia than makes even the tiniest bit of sense. It tacks on meaningless subplots, including making Kong the new, supersized Koko, for no reason other than to pad its runtime.


The fights, when they finally happen, miss as often as they hit (multilevel pun intended). Sure, it's fun to watch the two title characters, as well as another Godzilla-verse favorite that I won't spoil here, duke it out, but knowing that the studio is as likely to kill off either franchise as an Orthodox Jew is to scarf down a double Baconator with cheese fucks the stakes right in the ass.


The director and five (five?!) writers obviously didn't think much beyond "big monsters fight." They couldn't figure out what to do with flavor of the month Millie "Dillie" Bobby Brown, and they sunk so low as to steal the use-a-wall-to-knock-your-dislocated-shoulder-back-into-place bit from Lethal Weapon.


If the inevitable sequel doesn't pair up Godzilla and Kong as Odd Couple style roommates, then count me the fuck out.


April 23, 2021