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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Ghost in the Shell (2017)

A string of Hispanic and African American dudes play real life, famous, dead-White-guy Alexander Hamilton in the Broadway mega-hit Hamilton, and no one bats an eye.  But they cast Scarlett "O'Hara" Johansson as a fictitious Japandroid in the latest iteration of Ghost in the Shell, and everyone loses their minds!

Hypocrisy, thy name is political correctness.

One of the social justice warriors' favorite excuses for getting schwifty these days is "whitewashing."  That's when a White actor gets cast in a non-White role.  Ghost in the Shell, which began as Masamune Shirow's manga series and later became an anime classic directed by Mamoru Oshii, is as Japanese as sneak attacks and ritual suicide.  So when Whiter-than-a-Rauschenberg-three-panel Johansson was announced as the Major, the Japanese lead in the Ghost in the Shell live action remake, SJWs everywhere damn near broke their fingers they got their bitch on so quick.  Once they actually see the movie, their heads are gonna fucking explode because the only Japanese characters left in this formerly all-Japanese affair are the Major's boss ("Beat" Takeshi Kitano) and one of her team (Chin Han "Shot First") - and Han's from fucking Singapore!

The suckers Tom Sawyer conned couldn't've done it better.

In a cyberpunk, wet streets and neon future, people's eyes aren't glued to their iPhones; the iPhones are glued to people's eyes.  The line between man and machine is so blurry that the obvious next step is to stick a human brain into a robot body and create the Major.  The fact that that body only measures 5' 3" - which means, for the record, that Johansson is a scant 5" away from being Sleepy rather than Snow White - doesn't stop Hanka Robotics and the presumably Japanese government from turning it into a robocop.  The Major eventually finds out that (big sigh) things aren't what they seem, including her own sleekly sexy but oddly nipple-less self.

Director Rupert "Poopert" Sanders, who has only helmed one other feature and is best known for shagging his star, Kristen "Lez Be Friends" Stewart, while filming it, may know his way around a spiffy visual, but his head's the Gobi Desert when it comes to anything else.  Sanders' Ghost in the Shell is just The Matrix fucking a square watermelon on a Blade Runner backlot.

Now that she's popped out a puppy and ditched a second hubby, Johansson must be looking for that Hollywood unicorn, a low risk, high reward, female ass-kicker franchise, to give her some easy baby-raisin' money.

Somewhere Milla "To One Shot" Jovovich is screaming, "Get off my clit!"  But who knows?  Maybe by the time Ghost in the Shell 5 gets downloaded directly into our wet-wired brains it'll be a crossover with Resident Evil 12, and ScarJo and MiJo will munch each other's bento boxes in 4D holo mondo-color?

Mmm . . . sushi.

March 31, 2017