Cinemavenger

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Frozen

I know you think your kid is special.  Your kid is smart and funny and soulful.  Your kid could change the world.

Well, I've got news for you.  Your kid is no different from anyone else's kid, and they're all a bunch of morons.  But then again, so are most adults, which if you think about it makes perfect sense what with mouth-breathing kids growing up into slack-jawed adults and so forth.

How else could you possibly explain the irrational, Borg-like "Resistance is futile." popularity of Frozen?  Every other kid and adult currently alive must have seen this thing thrice in the theater and bought five copies of the DVD for Frozen to rack up the more than $1.2 billion dollars of sales that it has so far.  

That kind of cult-ish, mindless consumerism might make sense if it weren't for the fact that while Frozen sucks on the withered, old Disney teat of pampered princesses finding true love and dealing with unusual curses, it also just sucks.  Despite it's flashy 3D animation and giant-eyed hotties, Anna (Kristen Bell) and Elsa (Idina Menzel), Frozen is the the wart-covered, ugly stepsister to the likes of Snow White and Cinderella.  For fuck's sake, it isn't even in the same league as Up, The Incredibles or Wall-E.

Anna and Elsa are sisters, and their father is King of Arendelle.  Though no reason is ever given why, Elsa has the ability to create ice and cold and snow like some X-Men mutant.  As a child, she accidentally injures Anna, so her parents sequester her, their entire family and all their servants (What the icicle-covered fuck?) until she can learn to control her powers.  She never does, and the first time she ventures out into public as a teenager, she mortally wounds Anna again, proving conclusively that everything up until that point in the movie was a complete waste of time.  

Elsa may be an ice queen, but Anna's loins burn with the heat of a thousand pizza ovens.  Seriously, she's so boy crazy she falls in love with literally the first two young men she meets once the castle gates open unleashing the sex-crazed little vixen on the unsuspecting male populace of the kingdom.  If Elsa doesn't accidentally zap her with a freeze ray, I guaran-fucking-tee you that Anna is doing her best Sasha Grey impression with both the handsome prince and the rugged woodsman - quite possibly at the same time - faster than you can say "Jiminy Lick It." 

Then, for no reason and with no logic, Elsa suddenly figures out how to control her powers, saves Anna, and they all live . . . all together now . . . happily ever after.  Including the magical, greyish-purple trolls that look like the unholy offspring of Shrek and Smurfette (and just think about the logistics of that coupling for a minute).

Oh, and its a musical with nary a single memorable song.  Yes, all you rabid hausfraus, including the highly overrated "Let it go." 

Though that is good advice for anyone thinking about seeing this poopsicle.

December 14, 2014 - New video release review rather than new theatrical release review.  Because fuck you.