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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Frosty the Snowman, Frosty Returns and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

It's Xmas season, bitches!  Time to get your log yuled, your sugar walls decked, and your tree - among other things - trimmed.  Get your nog and snog on!  Tuck into a feast at the table and between your sweetie's thighs.

Along with sloppy holiday sex, twinkling lights, and gluttonous overeating of all kinds, now is when "classic" Xmas specials form a red and green mosh pit most every night on TV.  Sure, they keep the kiddies entertained, but kids are fucking stupid.  How do these shows hold up if you're old enough to have to shave?

That question is the raisin d'Etsy of Cinemavenger's first ever X-Rated Xmas TV Testacular.  Strap in (or on, you do you) because Frosty's about to get snowballed, and Rudolph's going to be stuffed and mounted (though not necessarily in that order).

Frosty the Snowman was dreamt up in a song back in 1950.  It wasn't until 1969 that Rankin and Bass brought him to life on the small screen.  You may have fond memories, but Frosty is some dark-ass shit.  Karen, the little girl who tries to save Frosty, nearly freezes to death.  Then she has to watch Frosty die a slow, agonizing death by melting.

After a 1976 sequel and a 1979 crossover with Rudolph, Frosty returned in 1992's aptly titled Frosty Returns.  If the first Frosty was a Red Ryder BB gun, Frosty Returns is a pink nightmare bunny suit.  It looks like a cut rate Peanuts cartoon, features one of the worst Xmas songs ever written, and Frosty can now move and talk without his magic hat.  What the frostbitten fuck?!

You may well be aware that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer beat Frosty to radio dials and TV sets, but did you know that the most famous make-it-reindeer first appeared in a 1939 Xmas coloring book given away by Montgomery Ward department stores to shut kids the fuck up so their parents would spend more time and money shopping?  That's a fact, Jack Frost.

In Rudolph, Santa is more than a bit of a dick, and he and Mrs. Claus creepily call each other "mama" and "papa" despite not having any kids.  Plus, I'm pretty sure Rudolph is Communist propaganda.  How else do you explain its message that being different is bad . . . unless your difference can be exploited by the ruling class?

Frosty and Rudolph can ho, ho, blow me.

December 7, 2018