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Free Guy

​Holy triple entendre, Batman! "Flyin'" Ryan Reynolds' latest, Free Guy, is set inside a video game. Even if the last Kong you donkeyed was at an actual arcade in the tubular 80s, you know what a free guy is. Reynolds' character is a non-player character (NPC) called Guy, and he's freed himself from his original programming, so he's a free Guy. When the bigwig corporate baddie douchebag finds out about Guy's freeness, he wants to make the pesky NPC disappear, so the heroes have to free Guy. Fancy!

If only the writers, including Zak "Not To Be Confused With Kal" Penn, and director Shawn "Eugene's Nephew" Levy had put as much polish on everything after the title. Don't get me wrong, Free Guy is well above average. It's actually only a stroke or two away from covering its audience in creamy awesomeness splooge. Call it a neargasm.

Of course, anyone who's ever suffered from an acute case of blue balls knows that the gap between world-shaking, knee-buckling orgasm and a soul-crushing, release-robbing neargasm is wider than your mom's fur burger, and that's saying something.

​Guy lives in Free City, which is a Grand Theft Auto-style place where players can and do steal any vehicle they see, commit every crime from fucking a hooker to blowing up skyscrapers, and kill scores and scores of NPCs. (Sure, it's only a double entendre, but . . . play along.) Blam!

Real worlder Millie (Jodie "Lay Hee Hoo" Comer) believes that the key to a great unfuckening is hidden in Free City. While she's in-game one day looking for it, she meets Guy. Normally, NPCs can only say a few scripted lines and act in a few set patterns, but Millie gets all up in Guy's naughty bits and takes a byte right out of his heart. This unleashes Guy's inner AI, which goes to show you that there ain't a thing in the 'verse more powerful than pussy. I mean true love.

Reynolds is a known quantity at this point, and he deploys his usual tricks and ticks as Guy. He earns bonus points for making Guy unbelievably nice but not a total Gomer. As the brotastic, corporate fucksock, Antwan, Taika "Needs More Vowels" Waititi is inches away from going full Andy Kaufman.

​Still, the fact that Free Guy doesn't feature a "Game over, man!" Paxton tribute is a fucking travesty.

October 15, 2021 

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