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Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw

People are absolute fuckwits.  That's not opinion; it's objective fact.  Want some harder than a pedophile at a playground proof? 

  • After two mass shootings this past weekend, politicians dug out the 30-year-old, scientifically disproven, bullshit claim that violent video games were to blame.
  • In case that wasn't dumb enough for the lottery ticket, McDonald's addicted, mouthbreather bloc, the same politicians cited the lack of prayer in public schools as the next most likely reason for the shootings.  Because a Hail Mary a day keeps bullets away?
  • In an attempt to keep everyone from losing their minds, the famous physicist, Neil DeGrasse "Mike" Tyson, pointed out that more people die in the U.S.A. every weekend from things like the flu and car accidents than died in these shootings . . . by a wide ass margin.  As if on cue, everyone lost their minds.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man may be king, but when everyone else is too busy gouging their own eyes out to listen to the cyclops-lookin' muthafucka, we're all well and truly fucked.  The upside is that having no eyes - or ears, for that matter - will only enhance your experience with Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw.  That's right, the franchise that started 18 years ago as a Point Break ripoff - and not even a good one - is now earning Producer credit by "presenting" vaguely related spinoffs.  The fucking mooks out there probably think the ironing is delicious.

Dwayne "Lyndon Baines" Johnson and Jason "Vorhees" Statham star in this cliched, mismatched, buddy cop action comedy.  It's a Fast & Furious movie, so it takes less than five minutes for someone to mention "family" and less than 10 before we learn that Hobbs is estranged from his brother and Shaw is estranged from his sis.  Gosh, do ya think those family ties will be reknotted before the end credits roll?

During a Captain Lou Albano vs. Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka finale in Samoa, the good guys, who have zero fucking guns, somehow disable the bad guys' literally tons of guns via WiFi.  Instead of falling back and waiting five minutes for their weapons to reboot, the bad guys rush in to fight dudes armed only with sticks and rocks . . . with sticks and rocks.

This is one of the most popular and successful franchises in the world today?  Fuckwits!  Fuckwits everywhere!

August 9, 2019

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