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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them


Back when they were anally probing Cartman, killing Kenny every week, routinely calling Kyle a "dirty Jew" and attending the Oscars on acid in J Lo dresses, who'd've thunk that the South Park guys, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, would become the fucking Oracles of Delphi?


Those mad bastards have predicted Miley Cyrus going from Disney to Penthouse, Mel Gibson going swastika-shit crazy, Carnival cruises becoming literal shit shows and Brokeback Mountain.  And that's just to name a few of their more preternatural prognostications.


With Member Berries, talking fruit that only says things like "'Member Chewbacca?  Oh, he was the best!  'Member Knight Rider?  Yeah, that was awesome!  'Member the sword guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark?  I 'member!" Parker and Stone are predicting just how pooch-screwed we're all going to be if we keep diving back into the warm womb of nostalgia rather than facing the fear of the unknown.


Sadly, this prediction may have come too late to do any good.  Think about it.  The Force Awakens is just recycled Star Wars.  Trump is just rehashed Reagan.  And Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is just warmed over Harry Potter.


All you mouth-breathers who lined up for three nads-stomping installments of The Hobbit so you could spend a few more dateless, desperate hours in Middle Earth are just the kind of suckers who'll love the fuck out of Fantastic Beasts.


On opening night at my local popcorn pusher, there were more people dressed up and brandishing wands than at the last Penn & Teller Eyes Wide Shut Party.


Set in the 1920s, Fantastic Beasts is Harry Potter Goes to America.  Only without Harry.  Or Hermione.  Or Ron.  Or Dumbledore.  Or Voldemort.  And a muggle is called a "no mag" (it rhymes with the short form of "vagina").  And the Ministry of Magic is now the Congress of Magic.  And there are wand shine stands on the street.


Pasty Brit Newt Scamander (Eddie "Ginger Lion" Redmayne), who's almost a little too fond of magical creatures if you know what I mean, arrives in New York and immediately meets local witch Porpentina Goldstein (Katherine "Sam" Waterston).  Along with Porpentina's brassy - emphasis on ass - sister, Queenie (Alison "Scrumptious" Sudol), and a no mag named Kowalski (Dan Fogler "Berg"), Newt and Tina have to track down a bunch of magical creatures Newt accidentally set free and figure out if darkly sinister wizard Percival Graves (Colin "Blow" Farrell) is really a dark and sinister wizard.


With a wand-less Graves using the Force to throw people around and then Force Lightning frying Scamander Emperor-Palpatine-on-Luke style, Fantastic Beasts is more Star Wars than Sorcerer's Stone.  And with a 20-minute epilogue, it's more craptastic than fantastic.


November 18, 2016