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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Benjamin Franklin likened house guests to rotting fish.  His point:  don't overstay your welcome.  Because courtesy fucking counts.  And yet, the world is chock full of anus munchers happy to putter along at 45 MPH in the passing lane on the interstate or chomp away at a durian on a cross-country flight . . . or force a movie version of a rightly-cancelled TV show onto the moviegoing public.

Witness Entourage.  After eight seasons on HBO - about four of which were actually watchable - Entourage packed it in with an ending so beyond-over-the-top happily ever after that it made The Wizard of Oz look likeSophie's Choice.  Not content to let sleeping dudes lie, creator/writer/director Doug "Can You Blame Me This Is The Only Successful Thing I've Ever Done" Ellin just had to take one more dip in the celebrity cesspool. 

For the uninitiated, Entourage started off as a thinly-fictionalized version of Mark "Forever Marky Mark" Wahlberg's ascension from boy band Boston asshole to actor/producer Hollywood asshole.  Vince Chase (Adrian "This Is It For Me" Grenier) is Marky Mark's stand in.  When this kid from Queens gets his big break, he brings his best buds with him to Tinseltown.  Drama (Kevin "The Other" Dillon) is Vince's struggling actor brother.  "E" (Kevin "Wee Man" Connolly) is his BFF and manager.  Turtle (Jerry "Dexatrim" Ferrara) keeps everybody in weed and plays chauffeur. 

Vince's agent, Ari (Jeremy "I Beat Baldness" Piven), personifies every high-powered Hollywood stereotype by being an obnoxious, egotistical, motor-mouthed Jew with anger management issues.  His assistant, Lloyd (Rex "Gay Playing Gay" Lee), checks both the minority and LGBT boxes for what would otherwise be the straightest, whitest sausage party since the Continental Congress.

Entourage is Sex and the City for dick danglers.  It's no coincidence that the TV show kicked off on the same network the same year Carrie and the girls sipped their last cosmos, and like the worn out pussy posse, the clueless, classless car-obsessed chums have made the leap from small screen to big.

If you were a fan of the show, Entourage the movie plays like a fourth rate, triple-length, mid-series episode.  If you've never spent time with Vincey Vince and the Horny Bunch, trust me, there's no reason to start now.

A lot of people out there hate Entourage because they claim it's a shallow, misogynistic celebration of Hollywood excess and bro culture.  Those people are way the fuck off base.  A bunch of young guys wanting to get laid all the time - and not pimp-slapping hookers or throwing weekly bukkake parties in the process - is as far from misogyny as a 200-pound woman is from being "curvy," and enjoying being part of the 1% by exchanging Bentleys and Lambos instead of $20 Target gift cards for Xmas is exactly what most people would do if they had mad cash.

So fuck you and your trumped up charges, PC Police.  If you want to bash Entourage, there are more than enough legitimate gripes to go around.  Cardboard cutout characters.  An anorexically thin storyline.  Mistaking cameos for cleverness.  A stoner at Chuck E. Cheese's lack of focus.  Forcing people to watch tits-of-the-month Emily Ratajkowski "act" but keeping her Golden Globes in full eclipse.

Here's hoping the boys aren't back in town anytime soon.