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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


​Merry motherfuckin' Xmas! After nearly two years of Covid - and with no shit-damn-ass end in sight - it's time to go nuts and blow bucks. To jingle and/or deck those balls. To unwrap some juicy presents. To get your nog on and your flog on. To eat too much food and each other. To get drunk or high and butt-ass naked and bask in the glow of twinkling Xmas lights. To fuck on a bearskin rug in front of a roaring fire. 

And, of course, to watch your favorite Xmas movies. Or, more likely, rewatch them for the 100th time. For a lot of folks, their go-to Xmas flick is Elf, and to those people ol' Cinemavenger says, well done, you magical makers of merry!

Sure, one could look at Elf and see a holly, jolly horror show. Santa Clause (Ed "Big Fat" Asner), he of the seeing you when you're sleeping and knowing when you're awake, "accidentally" steals a baby from an orphanage. Then, like some jelly-bellied Rick Sanchez, he keeps the kid at the North Pole, surrounded by elves and magical creatures, and let's this human child grow up thinking he's an elf, too. Until one day he pulls the rug out from under him, admits he's human, and sends him off to NYC without a dollar in his pocket or the first fucking clue about how the human world works.

Buddy the "elf" (Will "He Or Won't He" Ferrell) tracks down his biological father, Walter (James "Long" Caan), who turns out to be the kind of guy who would repossess children's books from nuns and cut every corner - and a bitch - to make an extra shekel. Buddy also finds himself working at Santaland at Gimbels in Manhattan, which is where he meets Jovie (Zooey "Quintuple Threat" Deschanel), an impoverished, blonde-goth, borderline Grinch. Even though he's mentally and emotionally a child, Jovie has no issue getting her some elf love. That sick slitch!

All the craziness aside, and even without cameos by the likes of Peter "Tyrion" Dinklage, Amy "David's Sister" Sedaris, Kyle "Tenacious D" Gass, and Leon "Period Sex" Redbone, Elf is one of the best Xmas movies of all time. It kicks the stuffin' out of that cotton-headed ninny muggins It's a Wonderful Life. Fuck you, you mumbly, stumbly, black and white bore!

Merry Xmas, ya filthy animals.

December 24, 2021