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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Eighth Grade

Like, you know, all I could, like, think about while I was, like, watching, um, Eighth Grade, was how, you know, like, Valley Girl like totally fucking ruined how, like, generations of, um, people, like, talk.  Like, because of that, like, movie tons of, you know, people, like, talk like this all the, like, time.  It's like, you know, the Queen's English - or, like, Washington's American - has been, like, replaced with, like, totally grody Valley Speak.

It may be 2018, 35 years removed from the release of Valley Girl and the conversational herpes it spread across the land, but the kids in the post-mumblecore indie flick Eighth Grade sound like they just spent the day at the mall shopping for fucking leg warmers and the latest Tears for Fears cassingle.

First time feature writer and director, Bo "Duke" Burnham, wants so much for Eighth Grade to be a poignant, bittersweet snapshot of early pubescence that you can almost feel his boner for all things not-quite-barely-legal poking through the screen.  If this dude doesn't have a hard drive packed with kiddie porn, then my name isn't Cinemavenger.

Kayla (Elsie "Carrie" Fisher) is a painfully average eighth grader.  She's shy but wants to be part of the popular crowd.  She's a virgin who pretends to be a blowjob queen to impress her bad boy crush.  She makes self-help videos about shit she has no clue about.  She loves her single-parent dad but is embarrassed by him and, 96% of the time, treats him like unwiped ass.

To Kayla and all the other elementary, middle and high school kids out there who whine incessantly about how tough they have it and how hard life is, let me just say this.  Fuck you, you little fucking fucks!  You know what's harder than your life today?  Every soul-crushing day of your life from tomorrow on.  You think school sucks?  Wait 'till you get a load of work.  You hate living under your parents' roof?  Have fun paying rent and for food and clothes and every single other thing you need to survive.

You think all the awkwardness and self-doubt you feel now is going to magically evaporate when you graduate?  You sweet, sweet idiots.  That deafening roar you hear is the entire adult world enjoying its first good laugh in a month.  At your expense.

Life is pain.  Welcome to the party, pals.

August 31, 2018