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Dirty Grandpa

If I had a dollar for every time I wished there was a scene in a movie where someone walked in on Robert "It's Not Delivery It's" De Niro jerking off, I'd be fucking broke.

But there it is.  Within the first few minutes of Dirty Grandpa we get De Niro, lotion and tissues at the ready, watching porn and tenderizing his tube steak. 

And just in case that doesn't satisfy your craving for geriatric jizz stick, later on we get a nice, veiny closeup of grandpa's gash hammer when he sticks it in his grandson's sleeping face.


Listen, De Niro.  Yeah, I'm talkin' to you.  Unless you had Dirty Grandpa made solely so you could swap spit with and dry hump Aubrey "Sex Magic" Plaza - which would be an all-star baller move - you're burnin' through a lot of Taxi Driver/Godfather/Goodfellas goodwill with all your late-career fuckoffery.

Dirty Grandpa is your typical mismatched buddy, road trip comedy with the twist that grandpa is the horny, cool one who cusses like Samuel L. Jackson with his balls in a blender and his grandson, Jason (Zac "Nora" Efron), is the uptight, henpecked nerd . . . who just happens to have a male model's chiseled bod. 

After grandma's funeral, Jason agrees to drive grandpa home to Boca Raton, FL (natch), but their trip quickly spirals out of control in the most ridiculously prefuckingposterous ways first-time screenwriter John Phillips could think of.  (And Phillips' next script is for Bad Santa 2, which if Dirty Grandpa is any indicator will take place in Bangkok on St. Patrick's Day and feature a now clean-and-sober Willie Stokes dressed like the tooth fairy.)

Grandpa wants to get laid and party like it's 1969, while Jason worries about his corporate lawyer job at his dad's firm and his wedding - scheduled for next week - to Meredith (Julianne "Tiny Dancer" Hough), the WASPiest JAP ever committed to film.  During a pit stop at a roadside diner in the middle of Georgia, Jason runs into his old college girlfriend, the free-spirited Shadia (Zoey "Lea Thompson's Kid" Deutch).  Shadia is heading to spring break in Daytona Beach with her sexy, slutty bestie, Lenore (Plaza), who immediately fixates on fucking the BluBlockers off of grandpa.

Efron's uptight lawyer smokes crack, gets arrested multiple times, competes in a "Flex Off" competition and - surprise, surprise - reconnects with his hippie dippie ex.  De Niro's grandpa beats up a some gangstas - before becoming their buddy, spouts a bunch of racist and homophobic shit to the movie's token twofer (Black and gay) - before becoming his buddy, trades filthy fuck talk with Plaza's Lenore every time they see each other and tough loves his namby-pamby grandson into being slightly less of a pornstar-sized pussy.

Dirty Grandpa is a Hallmark TV movie with a bad case of Tourette's.  It flaunts grandpa's dick but leaves out Plaza's tits.  Where's Jack Kevorkian when you need him?

January 31, 2016