Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Die Hard

This review is brought to you by Cinemawhinger.

For nearly five years, my uncle, Cinemavenger, has been violating my safe space with his stupid, PC assaulting rants.  How dare he expose me, a delicate marigold of a millennial, to ideas and points of view that I disagree with!  So, I roofied the sonuvabitch's whiskey and hijacked his review for this week.  I explained my plan, Bond villain style, and as he blacked out he told me the only way he wouldn't beat me like some rented bongos when he came to is if I called myself Cinemawhinger.  And reviewed Die Hard.  Whatever.

I streamed this "classic," and I can say without any exaggeration that it's the most intolerant, fascist, and just plain sad-making movie I've ever seen.  How does any generation other than mine even live with itself?  Gawd!

When it comes to racial sensitivity, Die Hard makes Trump look like Dr. Martin Luther King.  It only has three characters of color, and each one is a total stereotype.  The bad guys' tech guy is such a loser that he gets knocked out with one punch . . . by the jive-talking, inner city, first-day-as-a limo driver.  Then there's the fat cop who eats Twinkies (gag!) like they were avocado toast (yum!).

My goddess sisters get it even worse.  The hero's (ugh) wife is smart, capable, and strong, so of course, all she gets to do is wait around for some burly, hairy man to save her.  What about the other women who get any screentime?  Well, one has her tits out while getting fucked at the office Xmas party - and don't get me started on it not being a Holiday Party - and the other is such a drunk that she not only drinks while super pregnant but laughs it off when someone says her kid is going to come out ready to tend bar.  Just, wow.

The very first thing anyone says is that to relax you should make fists with your toes.  Fists are scary!  Even toe fists!  People address groups by saying, "Ladies and gentlemen" more than once.  How could they assume so many people's genders?!  People smoke in cars and buildings.  I don't want to see that!  And, you guessed it, all the bad guys are cisgendered butch boys.

Worst of all, the head bad guy talks about earning 20% interest on the money he's stealing.  20%?!  I know Die Hard is supposed to be an Xmas movie, but I didn't think it was a fairy tale.

Oh, and the one-finger rating is Cinemavenger's.  Cinemawhinger thinks Die Hard is a hate crime.

August 2, 2019