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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


I may have to go see Deadpool  a dozen more times on the off chance that I end up sitting behind some clueless mom who brought her seven-year-old to what she thought was just another family friendly superhero flick.  I swear to dog I'd blow a Godzilla-sized load all over the back of her seat when just a few minutes in she gasped in horror at the ceaseless stream of "fucks" and "shits" then covered her little one's eyes as Deadpool, aka Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds "Wrap"), gets reamed by his girlfriend with a strapon.

Yuppers, Deadpool brings pegging into the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  Because who of us hasn't thought, "You know what the MCU could really use?  More girl-on-boy ass fucking."

I wonder if there's a Valentine's Day card for that?

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Grab some lube, tiger,
'Cuz tonight
I fuck you.

For all the non-fanboys and fangirls out there, Deadpool, is the R-Rated anti-X-man.  He can heal like Wolverine and is just as much of a bad motherfucker.  He's also a potty-mouthed, pansexual loony who knows he's a fictional character and does not play well with others.

Deadpool tones down the schizo notes - even though the two scenes where they bleed through are some of the best the movie has to offer - but keeps the endless profanity, ultraviolence and fourth-wall-breaking.

Forget The Voices, Buried, The Woman in Gold and the dozen other Ryan Reynolds flicks you've never even heard of; he was born to play "the merc with the mouth."  He's all chiseled abs and smartass smirk, and people have been wondering for years if he isn't at least a little gay.

The funniest thing about Deadpool isn't the creative gore-splatter or Reynolds' one-liners, it's that it tries harder than a titanium dildo to be subversive, to flip the bird at all the Spidermans and Avengers that have come before it.  But when the last old-blind-woman-loves-blow joke flutters to the floor, it's just another by-the-numbers superhero origin story.

Oh, and Deadpool's idea of cutting edge humor is to reference pop culture smegma from at least as far back as Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  I shit you not.  Every one of the following dust bunnies gets called out like it was the latest, greatest, side-splittingly funniest thing since David After Dentist.

Ricardo Montalban's "rich Corinthian leather" line, Mama June, Limp Bizkit, Bernadette Peters, Yakov Smirnoff, Sinead O'Connor, the Spin Doctors, Meredith Baxter Birney, the Audi 5000 and Sigourney Weaver's haircut in Alien 3.

Maybe if Deadpool gets a sequel it can squeeze in some gags about parachute pants, Lewinsky as Clinton's personal humidor and having to adjust the fucking tracking on VHS tapes?

February 14, 2016