Cinemark Cinemas
T-Shirt Hell
Punk Tacos HD Radio Station
The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Deadpool 2

"As fuck" is an amazingly versatile yet exact unit of measure.  For example:  Morena "Baby Got" Baccarin is fine as fuck!  She's high-test liquid sex, and she's the best thing about every movie and TV show she graces with her presence.  So, how big a dicktard do you have to be to use her for all of five minutes of your two-hour superhero sequel?  Big enough to be visible from fucking space.

Open wide, because Deadpool's back to stick his cancerous cock down your suck hole.  Deadpool 2 doubles down on the "ironic" tunes in the 2016 original.  Juice Newton's "Angel of the Morning" gets replaced by Air Supply's "All Out of Love," but all I kept hearing was the refrain from Billy Preston's 1974 hit.  "Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'."  No five (or three) words better describe the nothin' buffet that is the Deadpool phenomenon.

They dressed Deadpool up in F-bombs, strapons and buckets of blood, but it was still a 2.2 kids, dog named Spot, suburban mortgage, conventional superhero origin story.  Deadpool 2 slavishly follows the sequel handbook.  It's more of the same just bigger and louder by half, which will have fans jizzing all over movie theaters worldwide.  And you thought the floors were sticky before.

Ryan "Debbie" Reynolds is back as the indestructible merc with a mouth.  Instead of having to save his girlfriend (Baccarin) from evil lab partners, this time around he has to save a portly, pubescent, pyro-powered Kiwi (Julian "Calendar" Dennison) from Cable (Josh "Spice" Brolin), a super soldier who's traveled back in time Terminator-style to kill Fatty McFireballs.

Fan favorites Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Briana "LGBTCute" Hildebrand), Weasel (T.J. "Britney" Miller), Dopinder (Karan "Cher And" Soni) and Blind Al (Leslie "Nielsen" Uggams) return to snatch some easy Deadpool cheese.  Meanwhile, Deadpool recruits a bunch of third-stringers into his X-Force:  Domino (Zazie "Eat Your" Beetz), Zeitgeist (Bill Skarsgard "Your Ears!"), Bedlam ("Scary" Terry Crews), Shatterstar (Lewis "Black And" Tan) and Peter (Rob "Roy" Delaney).  Don't bother learning the others' names.  Domino's is the only life that matters.

The fourth wall gets broken more often than an emo teen's heart.  Kooky cameos abound.  The tone goes darker than George Hamilton in August.  There's a callback to the first flick every few minutes.  Which means Deadpool 2 is gonna make a metric fuck ton of green, so prepare yourself for Deadpool 3: The Deadpoolening.  Not to be confused with DP3: The Double Penetrationing.  Which (rumor has it) is an all-holes-all-the-time porn classic.

May 18, 2018