Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Crawl

How big do a muthafucka's balls have to be to remake his own movie from just six years earlier and call the remake a sequel?  Bigger than a 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88, that's for damn sure!

Sam "Pay Me" Raimi did just that when he made Evil Dead II, which was Evil Dead with better everything:  jokes, tone, effects, and box office.  A few years later, Raimi gave the world Darkman, a campy classic starring Liam "Put Her Over Your" Neeson.  Then came the underrated The Quick and the Dead, the neo-noir love letter, A Simple Plan, and two amazing and one amazingly shitty Spider-Man movies.

By casting him in the two Evil Deads and their awesomely goofy sequel, Army of Darkness, Raimi also put Bruce "The Chin" Campbell on the road to B-movie superstardom, and for that alone I'd happily buy the man a drink or 10.

Raimi wrote and directed most of his best flicks.  He only pulls Producer duty on Crawl, which might explain why it can't hold a kid's birthday candle to any of the movies lovingly listed above.  Crawl's plot is so simple I'm guessing its writers rode the short bus to school.  A massive hurricane is pounding Florida like that biker gang jumping your mom in.  College kid Haley goes to check on her dad because he hasn't answered his phone in, like, an hour.  The two of them get trapped in his n-dimensional basement by two alligators and have to survive not only the modern day dinosaurs but flooding and . . . actually that's about it.

The basement is the real star, though.  It changes shape more often than Elastigirl during a gangbang.  Sometimes it's a crawlspace.  Then it suddenly has 10-foot ceilings.  It somehow connects directly to a huge overflow pipe to the local lake.  It's never had alligators in it before, but Haley finds a nest complete with hatching eggs, so the toothy bastards have obviously been nesting there for a good long while.

Crawl is so bad it'll give you gatorAIDS.

July 19, 2019