Cinemavenger

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Cocaine Bear

No, it's not about a big, hairy gay dude with a Texas-sized taste for booger sugar, but it is based on a true story. "Based on" in the loosest possible sense the term. You see, there once was a bear that found a bunch of cocaine, ate it, and died Len Bias style. Other than that, Cocaine Bear isn't based on anything other than maybe a bet between director Elizabeth "River" Banks and her butthole bleacher.

From the title and the ads, you might think that you're in for 90 or so minutes of coke-fueled bear maulings, and sure, there are some of those. They're sprinkled in amongst a sad sack gangster crying about how much he misses his girl, another gangster searching for a bunch of cocaine that was - for some unknown reason - chucked out of a plane over a forest, a cop trying to find someone to watch his new dog so that he can look for the wayward devil's dandruff as well, some pre-teens doing blow for the first time while skipping school to hike to a waterfall, some actual teenagers mugging people in a state park, and a park ranger trying to get her fuck on.

If you're thinking, "That's a whole lot of plot for what is basically a hillbilly Snakes on a Plane​," then you're absofuckinglutely right. People don't watch a movie called Cocaine Bear for character-driven drama or intricately intertwined storylines. They watch it to see a big-ass bear get higher than Matt and Trey at the Oscars and rip randos apart. It's not exactly rocket surgery.

This flick does have a pretty amazing cast, though. Ray "Whole Lotta" Liotta does his thing in one of his last roles. O'Shae "Ice Cube's Kid" Jackson, Jr. pads his resume. Alden "Young Solo" Ehrenreich is also present. Keri "So Very" Russell plays the mom looking for the nose candy neophyte kids. And national treasure character actress Margo "M&M" Martindale steals her scenes as the park ranger.

On the other hand, when the bear crashes and falls asleep on top of a dude, the dude confirms that it is, in fact, a female bear by noting that its twat is on his ear. Which would've made sense if the bear was on him noes to toes, which it ain't. That doesn't even barely make sense.

How do you fuck up a bear pussy joke like that!

September 8, 2023