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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


​Hey, South Africa.  You guys are fucking pussies.  If you had even gnat-sized balls, you'd have pulled a North Korea and threatened to reinstate apartheid if Sony released Chappie.  But I guess you were too busy watching cricket while rocking out to Ladysmith Black Mambazo, and now the rest of us have to suffer through RoboCop meets Short Circuit.  

Thanks a lot, you Krugerrand-coveting cunts!

Director Neill Blomkamp burst onto the scene in 2009 with the wildly overrated District 9, which took place in future South Africa and blended sci-fi with social commentary more heavy-handedly than when Kirk smooched Uhura.  His next film, Elysium, was the same thing over again but worse.  It was basically District 9 in space with a bigger-name cast and even more holier-than-thou, half-formed moralizing.

With Chappie, Blomkamp proves that he's a one-trick hooker who can shoot ping pong balls out of his ass . . . and that's it.  This guy is farther from an original idea than Melissa McCarthy is from a Weight Watchers meeting.  After stealing from way better sci-fi fare, he cannibalizes the only two other movies he's ever fucking madeChappie's ending is nearly identically - beat for beat - to District 9's.

I mean, I know everyone's supposed to recycle these days, but come the fuck on!

At least Blomkamp tried something new by casting as two of his leads the South African rap duo known as Die Antwoord.  The rappers, Ninja and Yo-Landi, play murderous criminals named Ninja and Yolandi who wear Die Antwoord t-shirts and listen to Die Antwoord's music.  What the Mobius strip fuck?!  And guess what, these two non-actors look as natural in front of a camera as I would performing as part of a South African rap group.  They're almost literally painful to watch.

The two act as parents of a sort to the artificially intelligent robot created by Deon (Dev "Slumming Slumdog" Patel).  Rather than try to pose - let alone answer - any of the myriad, mind-boggling questions related to the existence of a true AI creature, Chappie gives us a mulleted Hugh Jackman (who, during a business meeting, sticks a gun in Deon's face in the middle of the corporate headquarters of a multinational company, and no one calls security, runs for cover or even does a spit-take with their Starbucks . . . because yeah, that's how the world works), a muted Sigourney Weaver and a total ripoff of ED-209

Chappie itself is played by Blomkamp regular Sharlto Copley, who's asked to make the robot act like a child one moment and as a genius action hero the next.  That is, when it's not decked out in ghetto-tastic gold chains and spray-painted "tattoos" while holding a gat sideways gangsta-style and talking about capping some "fuck mothers."  I've seen minstrel shows less racist than this shit.

Forget whether AI would take over the world, wiping out humanity in the process.  The scariest takeaway from Chappie is that Blomkamp has been picked to direct the Alien reboot. 

In an empty movie theater, no one can hear you scream.

March 8, 2015