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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Fuck Kevin "Himbo" Sorbo!  That Fabio wannabee, pathetic, has-been, goat rapist (I mean, probably) must have Lucifer himself for a publicist.  How else do you explain how an "actor" who hasn't acted in anything bigger than a community theatre production of Our Town in the past decade made it onto the front page of the Interwebs this week shooting his rapidly aging mouth off about feminism?

This motherfucker was never relevant.  I can count on one penis the number of times anyone, anywhere has ever asked him for his opinion on anything other than whether he'd like fries with that.  Sorbo's only faint, distant claim to anything in the same zip code as fame came when he played Hercules on some Z Grade TV show that got cancelled literally 20 fucking years ago.

It's not just Sorbo who needs to shut the Fuckules up.  Actors love to chime in on social issues, politics, etc., and while one or two of them may actually hold a degree from a college other than clown, most of them have as much business trying to change people's hearts and minds as a nun does in a sex shop. 

The only actor I'd take advice from is Humphrey "Big Dick" Bogart, and unfortunately he's deader than Sorbo's career.  Bogie had a brain, and he actually used it.  More than that, he was a man's man who knew it was almost always better to keep your yap shut in the first place.  Let your actions do the talking, and by the way, who gives a fuck what anyone thinks, anyway?

Given that Bogart died in 1957, it wouldn't be surprising if the young whippersnappers out there hadn't heard much about him.  If you haven't, do yourself a favor and watch Casablanca tonight.  From there, you can move on to The Maltese Falcon, The Big Sleep, The African Queen and Key Largo.  For Humphrey's lighter side, try the original Sabrina with Audrey Hepburn.  Basically, there's no bad Bogie.

Casablanca, though . . . man, now that's a movie!  It's got an exotic locale, Nazis for bad guys, a pitch perfect soundtrack, and Bogart as a tough talking and even tougher walking antihero.  And unlike the Sorbos of the world, Bogart makes his nightclub-owning Rick a believable badass.  He's cynical, smart, and suave as fuck.  He feels pain, but he grits his teeth and goes on . . . not for bucks or babes but because it's the right fucking thing to do.

Here's lookin' at you, Bogie.

June 21, 2019