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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Captain Marvel

Maybe it's all the Mardi Gras in the air?  I wish, like Tom Waits, that I was in New Orleans, surrounded by boobs and beads.  And so the four words that echoed in my mind every minute of Marvel's latest trip to the cash store, Captain Marvel, were, "Show us your tits!"

Does that offend you?  Why?  Because Captain Marvel is the first of Marvel's current decade-spanning run of 20+ movies to feature a female lead superhero?  Because Captain Marvel aka Carol Danvers aka Vers (Brie "Bright Brack" Larson) is supposed to be this DD-sized feminist icon and role model?  Because #MeToo for no reason?  Well fuck you and the despot you road in on, because here in 'Murica we've got a little thing called Freedom of Fucking Speech!

You know who doesn't get any First Amendment love?  Russians.  The Cold War and Communist Russia may be fading memories, but the Russian government is as Big Bro as ever.  It just made it illegal for Russians to, in any way, including posting online, show "disrespect for society, the state, or state symbols of the Russian Federation," or government officials. 

Say what you will about fat, lazy Americans, but at least we can bad mouth our government to our hearts' content without being dragged out of bed in the middle of the night and disappeared.  Of course, that freedom comes at a price.  We also have to endure not just movies like Captain Marvel but also the shit-breathed ramblings of social justice warriors who refuse to accept that, as a feminist anthem, this movie is on par with those old Virginia Slims, "You've come a long way, baby," ads.

Captain Marvel shows up on Earth in 1995.  She quickly runs afoul of FBI-meets-Men-in-Black organization SHIELD and its young-ish agent, Nick Fury (Samuel L. "Tito" Jackson).  Or should that be Nick Furii, because motherfucker's still got two eyes?

The best parts of Captain Marvel have nothing to do with grrl power, pussy power, or any other gynocentric falderal.  The all-Stan Lee opening credits along with his final cameo, and playing a game of, "Is this the scene where Fury loses that eye?" a la Crispin "Love" Glover's arm in Hot Tub Time Machine, are photon ray-shooting hands down the best parts of this mid-grade (at best) entry in the MCU.

Now if Cap had just showed us her tits, well, that would be a whole 'nother story.

March 8, 2019