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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Captain America: Civil War

Marvel's third Captain America movie might as well have been called Avengers: Thanksgiving Dinner.  Instead of facing off against alien invaders, killer robots or even Hydra, this time around most of the Avengers - plus a new face or two - slap fight each other like a bunch of spoiled siblings scrapping for the last piece of pumpkin pie . . . or drunk dad's and Xanax'd mom's tryptophan-addled approval.

At least the last Cap flick, The Winter Soldier, had a metal-armed, Russki-created super soldier and an oily Robert Redford scheming to take over the world.  Captain America: Civil War settles for a bereaved Sokovian soldier, Zemo (Daniel "I Pity The" Bruhl), as its token bad guy.  His plan makes no sense.  There's no way he could pull it off.  He has no super powers, and he's as charismatic as a steamed carrot.  Other than that, he's a fucking awesome villain.

I guess directors Anthony and Joe "The Brothers Suckamozov" Russo and five (fucking five?!) credited screenwriters all just crossed their fingers and hoped no one would notice that a shit-ass antagonist, a grade school civics subplot about the United Nations providing oversight of the Avengers and a clickbait "shocking" revelation do not a good superhero movie make.

Guess what, blunderfucks.  We noticed.

And isn't it about time everyone realized that Tony Stark, genius though he may be, is more goram trouble than he's worth?  His conceited assholeitude spawned his own nemeses in Iron Man 1, 2 and 3.  His "Tony knows best" pursuit of AI created Ultron, who nearly destroyed the world in Avengers 2.  And his knee-jerk half-cockery leaping to conclusions without even trying to use that allegedly big brain of his causes pretty much all of the problems in Captain America: Civil War.

Plus, he's probably given Pepper Potts (Gwyneth "Free Pass" Paltrow) seven different STDs, which could be why she and Tony are "on a break" and she doesn't even have a cameo in this movie.

Captain America (Chris "Linda" Evans) throws down with Iron Man (Robert "Jump Up, Jump Up And Get" Downey, Jr.) with the Winter Soldier (Sebastian "Sad Face" Stan) cutting in from time to time.  Black Panther (Chadwick Boseman "Montana") is all "Wakanda ya gonna do?"  Ant-Man (Paul "Dud" Rudd) gets a seat at the adults' table.  Falcon (Anthony "Sidekick" Mackie), Hawkeye (Jeremy "Flipper" Renner) and Vision (Paul "PB and Meh" Bettany) make their contractually obligated appearances.

But with all that, we still don't get a spandex-ripping, tits-a-floppin', nasty catfight that morphs into a hot, lesbian sex scene between Black Widow (Scarlett "Begonias" Johansson) and Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth "Jimmy" Olsen).

Fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck.

May 8, 2016