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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Well fuck.  All the movie theaters are closed because of Covid cooties.  For DIY movie critics like your ol' pal Cinemavenger who don't get free screener copies of movies from the studios, that means no new release reviews for a while.  Unless, of course, the Cinemavenger Nation bombards Rotten Tomatoes demanding that they finally make Cinemavenger an official RT critic.  What the fuck else are you people doing while your socially distancing your self-isolated and/or quarantined asses at home?  Get moving, you humps! 

One of the last new theatrical releases pre-Covid craziness, Bloodshot, will be available to watch from the comfort of your couch any day now.  It's a Vin "Cent Van No" Diesel flick, so you already know what's what.  Whether he's a street racer, X Games secret agent, sci-fi criminal antihero, or talking tree, Diesel has as much range as a four-year-old's paper airplane.  You get beefcake, gravel-voiced whispers, the occasional mush-mouthed shout, and a fuckload of bloodless, PG-13 violence.

In Bloodshot, Diesel plays a soldier brought back from the dead by a shadowy corporation that gives injured (and now, apparently, dead) soldiers a second chance with state of the art prostheses.  In Diesel's case, they replaced all of his blood with tiny robots called nanites that heal him instantly, give him super strength, etc.  The question is, are the nanites really limited to his blood?  They reform bone, skin, and muscle?  Wouldn't they also be part of his cum?  If he raw dogs some rando, will his nano-sperm automatically destroy any eggs they come in contact with?

The head mad scientist in charge of Super Vin is played by Guy "Buddy" Pearce.  What's with Pearce and movies about guys with memory loss being tricked into murdering people?  Pearce has now starred in two movies in that very specific sub-genre.  He was the Amnesiac Avenger in Memento, and now he's the puppet master to Diesel's dupe here.  A glitch in the Matrix, perhaps?

In a movie about nanite-powered super soldiers blowing up whole city blocks without a single cop showing up, the most incredible thing about Bloodshot is Lamorne "New Girl Guy" Morris' spot on British accent.  You go, oi boi!

Remember to make it rain on Rotten Tomatoes to get them to finally return my calls/emails/carrier pigeons.  I can only keep doing this shit for free for so long.  Cinemavenger needs to go viral but, you know, in a good way.

March 20, 2020