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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Blade Runner 2049


If you want to get your scifigasm on (or would that be off?) with a twisted, twisty android romp told against a lush futurescape backdrop and politician bullshit-full of existential brain ticklers about what it is to be human, check out HBO's Westworld.  If you want the leftover frozen pizza version of a 1982 futuro neo noir, rush out to see Blade Runner 2049.  You fucking hump.


Make sure you've watched the original Blade Runner first though.  Anyone who hasn't will have as much luck figuring out 2049 as a paraplegic would pole vaulting.


30 years after Blade Runner, Ridley Scott's cyberpunk Los Angeles hasn't changed a bit.  It's perma-dark.  It's always raining or snowing.  And cops called blade runners hunt down and "retire" androids - known as replicants, skin jobs or skinners - when they've been deemed outdated or otherwise undesirable.


The big shot blade runner in Blade Runner 2049 is K (Ryan "Air" Gosling), a replicant himself, so 2049's end-to-end 'bot on 'bot violence could be read as social commentary.  Not that I'd give Director Denis "Penis" Villeneuve that much credit.  He's more recycler than maestro, using the same 80s synth score and Ridley visuals from the first one to do all the heavy lifting.  He even gets Daryl Hannah lookalike Mackenzie "Miles" Davis to play a replicant doxie.  A replicunt?


Speaking of hot chicks, is it just me or does Robin "My Cradle" Wright get sexier with every birthday?  She plays K's boss at the cop shop.  K's girlfriend is a holo-Her played by a similarly sextastic Ana "With Open" de Armas.  So Blade Runner 2049 at least scores spank bank points.


Blade Runner ended with a beautiful bit of mindfuckery about who is man, who is machine and what, really, is the difference.  Blade Runner 2049 skips that juicy fruit in favor of a storyline that, when you think about it for a picosecond, makes as much sense as going bareback with a Swaziland hooker.


But hey, at least 2049 is two hours and forty-five minutes long.  Fuck that digital noise.


October 6, 2017