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Black Widow

Sung to the tune of "Happy Xmas (War is Over)"

So this is Phase 4
Of the Marvel CU
You knew it was coming
Dropped like the other shoe.
And so Black Widow is here
To take all your bucks
Years late and so lazy
Giving barely any fucks

Because it's Xmas in July
For the Marvel machine
For the rest of us suckers
You know what that means

It means that we get all Vegas magician misdirected by bang-zip-boom!, sexy catsuits, and MCU self-owns into thinking that Marvel delivered a great movie when, in reality, it gave us a half-assed, brain-dead time-waster that only gets beaten out by the second Thor and the last two Iron Man movies as a current-gen Marvel worst.

Is the epic suckitude of Black Widow really that surprising, though? Since the character was introduced in the movies more than a decade ago, Scarlett "O'Hara" Johansson's master assassin has gotten less respect than Rodney Dangerfield. First this killer of killers was treated as a sex kitten. She was passed around as a potential love interest for Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, and the Hulk. Then, when killing off Hawkeye made perfect sense, they said sayonara to Black Widow, the MCU's longest-standing female lead. Assholes.

Not to mention that, other than Hawkeye, all the Marvel dudes have had their own, standalone features, which came out, you know, while their characters were still fucking alive. Black Widow feels like a guilty, "my bad" afterthought by comparison. The fact that its story can't hold a vagina-scented candle to any of the other solo hero flicks just makes things worse.

Marvel done done Black Widow dirty. Maybe they'll get it right with Black Widow 2.0 in the form of Black Widow's Yelena (Florence "Pepe Le" Pugh)? Yeah, and maybe gorgeous, Russian, femmesassins will fly out of my butt.

July 16, 2021